The last two years I did a New Years Eve post, one full of hope and joy, one full of anger and despair. This year I didn’t think I would take the risk. In fact, looking back at the festive period this year, I think I got through it all by just deciding not to […]
Unrecognisable to myself
I don’t know how old I was when I saw the film Philadelphia; I saw it at the cinema, with my friend who had a close family friend dying of AIDS at the time, contracted while working in Africa before anyone knew to be wary. We were teenagers. I don’t think I’ve seen the film […]
Silent Sunday
This is the thing.
This is the thing about pregnancy after losing a baby. Some moments it’s fine. Other millennia it’s just a bit tricky. Rainbow babies, just like other babies, don’t do constant reassuring cartwheels, beating morse code of “I am alive, I will live, I will cry and breathe and open my eyes for you.” I just […]
Needing knitting project help.
It is nearly time to start making this baby a blanket and I’m struggling for inspiration. Fran had one made from a pattern and the other girls used it too; after her I never managed to make ones for the others, so my Nana stepped into the breach. Freddie’s I made as a sampler while […]
19 Weeks Pregnant
Marmite has made it to 19 weeks and is still going strong 🙂 Yesterday my consultant and I agreed I am now half way. We have a date that should be Marmite’s birthday and a plan of sorts. The plan falls somewhere between mental health padded cell accommodation for me and the best and most […]
Kidding Myself
Having let myself think it would get easier when I started to feel movement, I’m now finding it isn’t easier at all. This baby goes through phases of movement, which my head knows is normal, but my heart isn’t dealing with that at all. Yesterday, for the first time, I found myself thinking “we aren’t […]
Dreams : One : Two : Three
We forgot to go to Freddie’s funeral. We were busy, the girls were alive and needed us and life goes on and… oh my word, it was today and we forgot. Max was okay with it; after all, it was just a procedure, he didn’t need us there, the girls needed us. It was just […]
At the Kitchen Table with Glow: Time
This is my contribution to the meme hosted at Glow this week on the passage of time after the loss of a child. Two others I love are by Jeanette and Jill who both, thanks to us ‘knowing’ each other online before the deaths of our babies, have been particularly special to me in the […]
This thing called…
When someone dies, people tell you a lot about the stages of grief. I believe there are 4; it says something, though I’m not sure what, that I can only ever remember 3 of them at a time. Right now though, I know exactly which one I’m fighting with: anger. I’m angry and I’m frightened […]
