Marmite has made it to 19 weeks and is still going strong 🙂 Yesterday my consultant and I agreed I am now half way. We have a date that should be Marmite’s birthday and a plan of sorts. The plan falls somewhere between mental health padded cell accommodation for me and the best and most sensible plan for the baby and it goes something like this.
Freddie’s birth did not appear to cause his problems; no one who has gone through his notes believes that apart from the consultant who delivered him who feels he must have missed something. He didn’t. If I hadn’t had 3 c-sections, both me and the new consultant would be comfortable with a 38 week induction. But the sections write off most of my induction options.I don’t think I can mentally go beyond 38 weeks, but I also can’t plan an elective section unless a medical reason presents itself. I’m still petrified of them and I know I can’t go through the doors expecting only that.
So my plan 😆 is to pretend that for the first time in 6 babies I will have a perfectly positioned baby at 38 weeks and that for the first time ever my cervix will not still be hermetically sealed. My plan is to arrive on that day hoping they can break my waters with all those perfect situations in place and labour normally, if cautiously and with a lot of monitoring which will miraculously not stress me out and slow things down and will miraculously not upset baby, who will perform perfectly and arrive 3 hours later.
If that doesn’t work, we’ll go for the exit hatch. I must admit it makes me very sad, because Freddie’s birth was lovely and I know I can do it, the thought of a baby who needs SCBU with me post operative terrifies me and the recovery and the thought of being in a hospital I have such sad memories in for more than a day horrifies me. But I don’t think I can ever have a birth as lovely as Freddie’s – and I definitely can’t risk the possibility of another random and statistically unlikely disaster occurring. So now I just have to contend with the one thing I’ve always been frightened off with a c/s, a weird fluid blow back thing – I’m secretly convinced I have that coming and it will kill me.
SO this baby got a good checking over yesterday and a slightly early anomaly scan, as it was a good time to fit it in. It was much less stressful to do it unexpectedly although something desperately sad occurred in the room ahead of me and I just ached for the couple ushered out 🙁 Everything looked very good, nothing missing, brain in place, heart working, spine looking lovely, limbs and organs all accounted for.
And (hopefully) even better, Marmite is a boy 🙂
He’s a bit trixy this one, not quite a accommodating of my sensitivities as Freddie. He’ been wiggling on and off since the end of our holiday but he goes to sleep for 2 days at a time and scares me, eventually giving me a good old booting when I’ve given him up for lost. But the wiggling has got gradually stronger and this last few days I think he has tipped up and made it into the interior rather than hanging around near the exit. He also doesn’t think Mama should listen to his heart. 🙄 I sense a personality here.
Despite all the terror which inevitably accompanies this baby, I know I feel more positive than I did with Freddie. I know that even on the day when there was no obvious baby to scan right at the beginning, I didn’t quite believe it. I know while waiting for my blood tests I told Max I just sensed it was okay. I know that when she rang to say they were not doubling, I didn’t quite believe her. I was petrified that the world had more coming for us at the Nuchal scan, but since then my confidence has grown and I didn’t really expect them to see anything bad yesterday. I almost believe this one will come home, thoughI suspect we’ve got a few hoops to jump first.
When we discovered he was a boy, a little bit of me wondered if the universe has forgiven me, if I’ve done enough now to pay back. And that is an encouraging thought.
Be well Marmite. Be feisty and and strong and angry and come home and make us jump all the hoops you like. Just come home whole and healthy and well.