This is the thing about pregnancy after losing a baby.
Some moments it’s fine. Other millennia it’s just a bit tricky.
Rainbow babies, just like other babies, don’t do constant reassuring cartwheels, beating morse code of “I am alive, I will live, I will cry and breathe and open my eyes for you.”
I just never noticed the quiet times with the others.
Just like the others, this one sleeps for a long time. I can’t make it move, make it kick or make it respond. Not a single thump or wriggle or squirm. Sometimes lying in my side won’t rouse it, even though it often does. Trying to do other things doesn’t work, pretending I’m not pregnant doesn’t work. Nothing works.
And when nothing will make it wriggle, rational is hard.
My brain doesn’t let me starting thinking ‘dead’ but the effort of not thinking it renders all other thoughts impossible.
I just need a kick, so I know it’s okay.
Then, finally, thump. Thump. Thump.
And I think….
“Sh*t. Hiccups. Is that a sign of brain damage?”