There are days when I ache to speak of Freddie with my voice, not my fingers. Days when I wish for someone to sit with me and hold me while I sift his hospital notes and my hastily copied social media comments for the snippets of his life which have fled my memory. There are […]
See the sun again.
April has come and gone. It was hard this year. Hard because it will always be hard. Hard because it fought against the Spring and the sympathetic balm of warmth and light that is normally so familiar, so sweet, so sad, did not come. Hard because there was no fug of new baby warmth and […]
Glass Words at Glow
In the days following Freddie’s death, I was pointed to the Glow in the Woods writers and forum and a place where I would find comfort and solace and friendship among others who would understand what I was going through. I badly needed a place where the focus was not on angels or god or […]
The opposites of grief.
Woven inside and outside of everything that resides inside a busy family and bringing up a new baby and time passing by I’m aware, if less vocal, about some of the intangibles of grief. For so long I was racked and grazed by the contradictions of loss, of having a child but not having him, […]
Remembering Freddie
2 years since we said goodbye.
Real blogging is hard to find.
Two years ago my head was bursting with thoughts and feelings and tears and fear and last year, worn out with another year of trying to conceive and grief and loneliness for a little boy who was never coming back, I just wanted to mark his moments and revel in having had him. We lit […]
At the Kitchen Table with Glow: Time
This is my contribution to the meme hosted at Glow this week on the passage of time after the loss of a child. Two others I love are by Jeanette and Jill who both, thanks to us ‘knowing’ each other online before the deaths of our babies, have been particularly special to me in the […]
To remind myself some other day.
I wrote this as a comment on Glow, that amazing wonderful place that has held me together over the last year. I’m copying it here to remind myself, on the days when the empty and dark feelings have me by the throat and won’t let go and when it seems that life, any amount of […]
The Gallery: Tomorrow
Yesterday, a year ago, I was watching and photographing Freddie. I had no idea it was his last day alive. Today, a year ago, I had just watched him die. Now, it is more than a year since I was pregnant or had a baby to care for and love. Tomorrow, I need to get […]
One week until 11 days until 2 weeks until forever.
I’ve tried not to be maudlin this March. I thought it would be so awful and it hasn’t been but suddenly it has hit me that in 6 days I should be celebrating a birthday. In 6 days I can’t say “I was pregnant this time last year. This week is it. This week is […]
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