I’m seeing the hospital grief counsellor at the moment; I’m not convinced I really need to, or that it can do me any good, but it isn’t doing me any harm and she’s nice. One of the things she says to me a lot is that I’m very hard on myself and that I don’t […]
Food and thoughts
We grew something. We even ate it. Not only that; I cooked it. I’ve had a really rotten day; full of empty grief and loss and lack of hope. I’ve sat on my bed and not cried, cuddled Freddie’s blanket and not been able to find comfort, read a novel about infertility and child loss, […]
Ever on and on.
The last few weeks have been building up to the three older girls having some time away from home; an opportunity arose for Fran and Amelie to attend a gym camp at a gymnastics centre some way from us, known to us slightly through a friend and a competition that Fran has done. We offered […]
The flip side
I’ve been umming and aahing about something to wear that would remind me of Freddie; eventually I’d like a name necklace but I’m not ready for the questions yet. The other day I saw this beautiful bead; an oak tree with a sapling on the back. It just felt perfect – so I treated myself. […]
Feelings not Reasons
This morning someone posted a longish paragraph about how to help someone experiencing grief. It was interesting, I read it carefully and wondered a lot how it related to me in the situation I find myself. I found it particularly interesting because I’ve had a week off from the girls this week and been at […]
Caught in a Landslide
Dear Freddie, Today you should be four months old. I’m managing not to count the weeks, I’m managing not to think so much now about the things you should be doing. For me you are frozen in time now, that little boy of 0 to 11 days old. A little boy who I only really […]
Target Achieved
We’ve made it to £1000 on our JustGiving page in memory of Freddie. That was my first target. Thank you to everyone, friend, family, reader and customer who has contributed to this and also to the suppliers who donated items to go direct to the hospital, a batch of which went off this week and […]
The Weekly Round Up.
Last Friday we went off to Wicksteed Park for the day. Not been for ages and the girls all really enjoyed themselves, mingling with friends and going on rides with them and with Daddy. I was happy just to mooch and watch them enjoy their half price wristbands; I’m not a fan of rides and […]
Goodness
I’ve just realised that for the last two Fridays I haven’t counted how many weeks it is since Freddie was born. For at least the last Tuesday, I haven’t counted how many weeks it is since he died. I guess that is progress of sorts. I’m not going to count. I think 2nds and 13ths […]
All backwards
I hate that long after I have forgotten how it was to feel pregnant with him, I am left with the loss of him. I hate that the memories are so few, gathered under such immense pressure, that I can barely hold them together. They are barely worth having. I hate that I cannot remember […]
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