I’ve had a really rotten day; full of empty grief and loss and lack of hope. I’ve sat on my bed and not cried, cuddled Freddie’s blanket and not been able to find comfort, read a novel about infertility and child loss, accidental pregnancy, grief and failed marriages, sinking lower and lower as I went.
Somewhere down the line I staged an intervention on myself, went out for a cycle, had a bath, cooked some food, did some planning.
The girls have had a lovely day; they went in stages and various groups, to Equifest. Fran and Maddy stayed there on their own, hooking up later with Max’s cousins to muck out and pony love. It was perfect for them and they had masses of fun stretching their wings and doing new things.
I’m caught between two places; delighted at their independence and terrified at the speed they are growing up. Worse, unable to enjoy it today because i can’t see what I have for what I don’t have. I’m trying, but sometimes the pain is just too bad; I can’t open my eyes properly to see.