I’ve been umming and aahing about something to wear that would remind me of Freddie; eventually I’d like a name necklace but I’m not ready for the questions yet. The other day I saw this beautiful bead; an oak tree with a sapling on the back. It just felt perfect – so I treated myself.
The lovely Claire gave me permission to use the photos and I’m just delighted with the bead. She’s a very talented lady as Rowanberry proves; I also very much enjoyed my first experience of etsy and could well get addicted. I was enormously touched by her kindness to me too; thank you Claire.
I really love the bead. It feels like a touchstone; a little something to wear against my skin to remind me of my boy. And I need that today. Maybe it seems wrong to be ‘trying again’ but even if i thought Freddie was the last time I would want to be pregnant, he really just reminded me of the joy of watching a new little person. It’s greedy and selfish but I really want that still. I don’t want to betray him or forget him but I dare not really let myself grieve yet. I think I need to be a mummy again safely before I can. But my body, if nothing else, is happy to make that hard. I’ve no idea what is wrong but whatever made it hard to conceive Freddie is at work again and it is out of my control. I have no idea what to do to make it happen but it is torture. I had a taste of another child and he went away – and I can’t even make a beginning on trying again.
I just wish so much for that again. However wrong it is.
I put a page together in the sidebar today; a few thoughts of all this for anyone who might stumble on this blog – a few places that have helped me. It was not a page I ever imagined adding in there.