I graduated from counselling today. It was my last session, my final chance to talk about all those thoughts and feelings that surround Freddie, his fleeting life and the drift of flotsam that has been left in his wake. The last time I can ponder and talk and rage and cry to someone without wondering […]
9 months & 11 days
Fly high, little boy. Second to the right and straight on till morning. I miss you with every bone in my body, every glance of my eye, every thought that passes. Be somewhere beautiful and don’t look back.
Separate
Dear Freddie, Today you should be nine months old. Today marks the day when you should have been a person in your own right for as long as you were part of me. Today you have been out for as long as you were in. Today is the day when, some say, pregnancy for a […]
The words won't come
I look back at what i wrote this time a year ago and it seems like a macabre joke. “And as for me and Max; Max says he has no regrets about leaving work and enjoys our life and his new job. I enjoy not doing it 🙂 We’re happily married again and both looking […]
Christmas 2010
There’s nothing like losing your child to make you think about the real meaning of a winter festival of light and renewal. I’m not Christian, in fact, I’m not really sure if I’m anything, but not even a year that has played out like a Victorian morality tale of fallen women and divine retribution can […]
Heaven knows, anything goes.
I did better today. Not as in “feel happy and chirpy and like Xmas is coming” but better in a “put one foot in front of the ****ing other” sort of a way. I can do happy. I can do Christmas. My garden is not full of snow like the other parts of the country […]
Down in the valley, drumming… drumming…
I am the Grinch and I am Scrooge. I do not want Christmas cheer. I do not want the fun to start. I do not want lights or jolly men in red suits, or greenery to signify life, or newborn boys in mangers or light to wash away the dark or death. I do not […]
Seasonal hibernation
I’m not really here much, but it isn’t for any particularly good or bad reason. We’re very busy at work and I’ve been there every day this week, with the girls having days with friends, relatives and even a paid sitter one day. This works okay; I get up early and sit with them through […]
Still here, more or less
Last week we were away in Devon for a annual holiday with friends in a Youth Hostel. I’d like to say I had a great time, but I didn’t, it was just too hard, but the GIRLS had a LOVELY time and really, that’s nearly all that matters. It’s incredibly comforting to be in the […]
Missing
Dear Freddie, On the day you should be 8 months old, I am with friends, lovely kind friends. I am surrounded by children. In this place are all the children your sisters love and who would have loved you. We are here with the babies who would have been your little gang. There are conversations […]
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