Seasonal hibernation

I’m not really here much, but it isn’t for any particularly good or bad reason. We’re very busy at work and I’ve been there every day this week, with the girls having days with friends, relatives and even a paid sitter one day. This works okay; I get up early and sit with them through a few basics and it’s December so we don’t expect too much of them. I’ve been sitting in more on music practise and helping them finish up their Mathletics years and then there is craft stuff to do for the rest of the day. It isn’t the lovely cosy time we all had together last year but honestly, though I intended to do it, I don’t have the heart for it this year. I don’t want Christmas, I’m sidling up to it and trying not to look and I just can’t bring myself to recreate last years happy, snowed in, pregnant cuddliness. I can’t do it.

So on Monday they had someone looking after them and they gamed and crafted and enjoyed someone different being in charge. They made pop up cards and goodness knows what and seemed very happy at the end of the day. Tuesday they had a day with an Auntie – more crafty stuff and playing and just enjoying time with their wider community. Wednesday they went to Latinetc without me and did loads of languages and some Science Periodic Table stuff again. And music, I think. Thursday was mostly with me and as our Baker Ross order had arrived, they got to do some of that, Josie sewed a santa shape (I think personally it was an East shape but I’m not prepared to argue with her) and while she was at it she gave me a long and complicated explanation about odd and even numbers and how I could work them out if I just did it her way 😆 Friday R gave them a music lesson and they learned a group Christmas song together and played it to me. It was lovely – I liked 🙂

That makes it all seem a little more paltry than it was; in fact they had had a great week, they all seemed happy and relaxed and busy. I’m as good at work as anywhere; all I can think at home is we should have a crawling child who would be a Christmas Tree menace; instead I’m still trying to call up holding him up against my chest and holding him for one of those few, too few, cuddles. I keep gritting my teeth and trying to move on but it’s not like I have any guarantee that things will be better next year. So making customers happy, or less cross at snow delayed parcels, is where I’m best. Hopefully after Monday next week, I can devote myself a little more to them again.

I’m so spent. So tired of trying to spin life to be positive. So tired of trying to forget how badly I needed Freddie to be happy again. So tired of not minding the months going by without a pregnancy. So tired of smiling and saying “it’s okay to be sad, don’t worry, it doesn’t matter that I’m crying”. I just wanted to be happy. I needed him. I just needed to get to keep him. 9 months and 11 days helped, but it wasn’t enough, not really.

I just wanted to put all the crap of the last few years behind me and have a happy ending. I can count my blessings, but I’m counting 4 and it isn’t the right number. 4 is great, but it isn’t the right number. I have no idea how to do Christmas with the wrong number of blessings.