I look back at what i wrote this time a year ago and it seems like a macabre joke.
“And as for me and Max; Max says he has no regrets about leaving work and enjoys our life and his new job. I enjoy not doing it 🙂 Weâ€™re happily married again and both looking forward to having a new little person in our life. I didnâ€™t really think it could all turn out this well and i am so very grateful it has.
I can’t bear this year to end. I don’t want to leave my little boy behind. I don’t want to live in a year he will never be in. I don’t want to say goodbye. I want to rip apart the air until I find him and somehow put the pieces of this shattered life back together. It isn’t right that my 12 year old is begging 2011 to be kinder than 2010 was, or that my 6 year old can be overheard saying “I hope next year is better – but we probably won’t get another baby.” It isn’t right that I held my child till his heart stopped and his breath stopped.
Today there has hardly been 5 minutes free of tears; I steeled myself for Christmas and forgot to take care of today. My little boy, our boy, our son and our brother and our little future joy is all gone and I can’t do the magic to bring him back. No kisses or skin to skin time or love or admonishment would keep him here and I can’t get him back.
I couldn’t make it better. And I still can’t. And I can’t see how there will be a happy new year ever again.
Oh Freddie please, please come back.