After 2.5 years, give it take the few cot months before the chest infections, this happened at nap time today. He’s co slept almost his whole life he naps on a mat at nursery but here he feeds to sleep and sleeps in our bed. Mostly he sleeps through if he has daddy for company; […]
Got ya.
This will be our fourth Christmas without him. I’m quite practiced at this now. I’ve learned what to do and what not to do. I know I’ll cry when I see 5 stocking put out, but not as hard as I cried at 4 and when it felt like there was no hope of there […]
Bump to bump
Inevitably, a few peoples emotions took a tumble here yesterday. Maddy has gone very quiet and Amelie came downstairs saying she just felt sad and didn’t know why. Max is deeply loved up on breathing baby son but more bowled over than I’ve ever known him and I think we’re all aware of just how […]
Christmas
It hasn’t been quite the run up to Christmas that I planned; work, school, the pantomime, camp and pregnancy have combined to mean no time, lots of stress and very little blogging of Christmas crafty stuff, never mind doing it. We have done some things together but I lost my Christmas joy somewhere along the […]
Empty & aching and I don't know why…
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 11 months old. Your birthday is creeping up and it is preying on all our minds, even in the places I normally expect it the least. I know we all wish we were planning the first ever boy birthday in the house instead of trying to work out how […]
Mourning Time
In six weeks time, it should be my son’s first birthday. Whatever seconds have passed, whatever the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks and the months have been like this year, they have passed and now it is nearly Spring. It is nearly a year since that first newborn breath failed to happen, nearly […]
Ten Months
Dear Freddie, Ten months ago I was sitting by your cot, wondering in a daze how this had possibly happened, how my worst fears had come true, how you could possibly be so sick when none of the dreadful and dire things I had been warned of for 10 years and 4 births had happened. […]
Identical Laws
Apparently the same law that applies to home ed (have one very good day, you immediately get a very bad day) applies to baby grief in a similar way. So if you write a sentence like this:- “Now that, I hate saying this but I’m having to try and make it true, the worst of […]
Being a better mummy
Now that, I hate saying this but I’m having to try and make it true, the worst of the raw grieving is beginning to pass, I’m trying to keep my promise to Freddie that I would be a better mummy to the girls in remembrance of him. I love them so much and losing a […]
Rabbit Hole
My friend Leslie pointed me to this trailer for a film. I think it is the most perfect representation of grief for a child that I have ever seen. This is exactly how I feel. This is exactly my life. The expression on her face when people talk of angels, the shot of her doing […]
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