Apparently the same law that applies to home ed (have one very good day, you immediately get a very bad day) applies to baby grief in a similar way. So if you write a sentence like this:-
“Now that, I hate saying this but Iâ€™m having to try and make it true, the worst of the raw grieving is beginning to pass…”
you will immediately get hit with a wave of crushing grief and the unfairness of life. With a few sidewinders thrown in for good measure.
Yesterday I woke up with the radio and the first sentences I heard were these; “I wanted that pregnancy, I wanted that baby. And it was just too awful.”
So I turned it off and turned on my Kindle to try a new book. The first page was a mother writing to someone begging to know how her son died and the other person reflecting that all that happens to pain and grief is that you eventually find that it is the days when you have forgotten for a while that hurt.
So I turned on my phone to play a word game; I spelled a word, just using two letters. Two letter dropped into my screen. CP. Cerebral Palsy. Even in that order.
Thanks world. Sometimes what has happened lately is nearly enough to make me believe in god. And he is not being kind.
Sometimes I just don’t know where to reach for help any more. Max prefers not to speak of Freddie. If I write on Facebook I feel needy and over dramatic, if I write privately or here and no one answers, I just presume people are bored and rolling their eyes. If I ask for answers, I ‘know’ I am being needy.
If I write among the babylost, I risk hurting someone else. Amongst my intake, only two of us are left not pregnant now. Everyone else from April, even afterwards, seems to be carrying their rainbow. I don’t want to hear how scary it is, I just want to be there.
I’m so tired of trying to be brave and stoical. I’m so tired of trying and failing to get pregnant. I don’t think I can do it any more. I don’t know how to keep lifting myself back up. This morning I dreamt about the first time that Freddie tried to die, almost died, if you don’t count being born. It comes to something when waking up from that is a bad thing.