Inevitably, a few peoples emotions took a tumble here yesterday. Maddy has gone very quiet and Amelie came downstairs saying she just felt sad and didn’t know why. Max is deeply loved up on breathing baby son but more bowled over than I’ve ever known him and I think we’re all aware of just how much that means things are big. And I, having last through hospital and surgery and all the fear of the last day of pregnancy and the first couple of days of of Ben’s life (which had a bit of a story attached) and separation from the girls, came down with a bump last night.
Ben is beautiful but it took us all a few days to acknowledge that he doesn’t actually stop Freddie being dead. None of that is gone way, Freddie should and could be here, a bundle of 22 month old gorgeousness and he isn’t. Ben should have a big brother to poke at him and he just doesn’t. Last night that all suddenly seemed much too wrong especially when I suddenly caught a sleeping angle of Ben’s face that was the image of a photo of Freddie on one of his deepest sleeping days. Sleeping babies have horrified me for nearly 2 years; just before I had Ben I said “I need to know he can open his eyes and breathe, nothing else matters” and of course he came out with his tiny, not ready eyes stuck together with vernix and needing to be reminded about breathing. An early baby is an exercise in watching a healthy baby sleep and watching babies sleep is not entirely something I find easy to do. Getting thought pregnancy was such a minefield that I didn’t actually give any thought to afterwards; it hadn’t occurred to me I would transfer paranoia to him just keeping living once he was here. And I keep nearly calling him Freddie too, which is hard, though I am not the only one apparently. Max says he does it too. Oh that little boy left himself on our heart so very hard :/ I wish I could’ve had both of them here. Two boys would have been brilliant.
Ben shifted most of his baby spots yesterday, met my lovely midwife Wendy and managed to lose less than 10% of his birthweight, if only just less. Half way through the day he finally connected hungry with waking up and feeding and he’s been more alert and feeding well since. Max and I are trying to work out if he’s actually been physically on his own for more than 10 minutes since getting home but I don’t think he has. He’s always in someone’s arms 🙂 not that he actually seems to mind his own company particularly. He isn’t a fussy baby, as yet anyway.
Yesterday had plenty of visitors and today has some too but we both feel the girls need to otherwise get some normal back as they are drifting and dwelling a bit, so Max is going to get them a bit busier. I need to sleep as I think snatches of sleep are not sustaining my emotional resilience as well as it could be. Besides I need to recover so I can get on and start back to running 🙂 I have race for life to do on July 10th. I’m encouraged to see I have less than a stone to lose to be back at my lightest, which is good given I can still see I’m swollen up in places I think about 7lbs of what’s left is baby remnants, so I reckon that’s good.
I’ve come up with the perfect way to watch him grow. We can take pictures of him measured against blanket squares 😆