This was a weekend for reasserting myself and regrouping. Taking down time to be outside and enjoying the fragments of beauty I have in my space. Spending time with myself and chewing over what isn’t right at the moment. Building some friendships. I’ve run a lot. I passed a milestone today in running 24/26 minutes, […]
Just a dog.
These times are more frequent lately. Flashbacks. Returning memories. A sudden glimpse of Freddie’s face in his sleeping brothers profile. A flicker of something that was gone and which is seeping back, slinking in through back doorways left unthinkingly open. I don’t try to look back. I don’t hunt for memories. I think that if […]
The elephant in the room.
It took a very long time before I stopped seeing all the triggers the world holds as personally aimed assaults on my ability to stay standing. The radio songs, the names in books, the boy baby in blue who caught my eye and smiled at me outside of what felt normal. I grew a crust […]
See the little angels.
I love Night Watch by Terry Pratchett. I love the story, the bittersweet twists of a man watching his own history unfold all over again. I love the world wearied character Sam Vimes has become. I love his rough morality, his honest, gritty, reluctant love for family and honour and his street ethics. I love […]
Those days.
I’ve back dated this because it feels wrong to have it not on the ‘day’ that Freddie died, but it has taken me a week to write it. Truth is, I’ve not wanted to write it and because I didn’t want to write it, I haven’t written anything. It’s been a silent April. The words […]
Oh, lovely girl.
Oh… Peaches. You were off my radar when you were a wild child. I didn’t know that bit of you. But recently, after your spirited defence of attachment parenting, I found you on IG. We exchanged a word or two. I smiled at your pictures, of the love and fierce joy that shined out of […]
Four.
I resent this. I resent that it is four years since Freddie’s birth and that we have survived. I resent that I’m worth more, more meaningful, less stupid, because of him. Because of his death. I resent that we have learned to make the best of it. I resent that instead of cake and candles […]
Again
The 30th March, so Timehop reminded me today, was Freddie’s due date. Tomorrow is the day when I thought he was coming and curled up in bed. Perhaps I should have walked about, maybe he’d have made it then. The 1st April we sat at the table and played with Hama Beads. And then came […]
The Daffodil Boy.
The heads of the daffodils in the garden are already turning yellow; they’ll bloom in a matter of weeks, they’ll be over before March has ended. Daffodils are Freddie’s flower. I don’t want to do April without daffodils. Seeing them nodding and bobbing on the 2nd April is one of the things that keeps me […]
The one where we get lucky.
It’s not 3 weeks since Max remarked on how relaxed and happy I seem these days. Happy. A release from fear, anxiety, distress. Then. My fingers walked a habitual walk, as they do, as all our fingers should do. Then. Found a lump. This time. Quite hard. Quite painful. Quite… lumpish. Very much not where […]
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