This time five years ago we were heading to the end. Tonight I’ll light the 2015 candles for the second to last time and from 9.15am tomorrow we will be starting the 6th year of life as a couple who lost a child. It seems impossible to believe it has been so long. It seems […]
Fifth Birthday
We had a good day. There is always a conscious group effort to be happy in his birthday, not sad. What would be the point, after all? We went back to Anglesey Anney this year. The weather had threatened to be really awful, so we didn’t make big plans and then Josie came down […]
Soothing Stitches: Spring wreath creation.
Short, sweet and late but here is a work in progress of the wreath I’m making for Freddie’s birthday this year. I feel I should be more invested in this; it’s Freddie fifth ‘should be birthday’ this week and I’m simultaneously overwhelmed with grief that is stifling me and overwhelmed by other things that […]
Almost 5 years.
We’ve been listening to Wolf Hall; Max is highly familiar with it, having read it several times over the last few years. I’ve always shied away from it. I’m not sure why I haven’t wanted to read it, perhaps in case the hype felt overdone and the book disappointed me. I’m a huge fan of […]
Going up North.
As previously mentioned, Fran recently got selected to play Touch Rugby for the Northern Stars, the north of England Under 18 squad. This has meant some training days and given where we live is really not-very-northern-at-all, the cost implication of this is pretty high. Having just had a week where the car cost us £600 […]
Everyone.
You wouldn’t know it, but this photo has all my children in it. When we first came here, all that time ago, 6 weeks after Freddie, I hunted for him. I found him here, by the stepping stones at this river. It’s the only place I’ve ever really felt him, in the swish of the […]
For Freddie. #EveryNewborn
11 years ago when we started blogging, my friends and I wondered if blogging would ever be a way to change the world or even our own small worlds. It’s such a long time ago. So much has happened. There is a great deal more to say about this picture but I want to grab […]
Out of date.
Max and the girls had a model kit out at the weekend. It’s been in the garage, half made, for I don’t know how long, wrapped in newspaper, congealing paints, glue that has had long enough to go off and not stick properly. A relic of a different time. I couldn’t have told you when […]
Those days.
I’ve back dated this because it feels wrong to have it not on the ‘day’ that Freddie died, but it has taken me a week to write it. Truth is, I’ve not wanted to write it and because I didn’t want to write it, I haven’t written anything. It’s been a silent April. The words […]
Four.
I resent this. I resent that it is four years since Freddie’s birth and that we have survived. I resent that I’m worth more, more meaningful, less stupid, because of him. Because of his death. I resent that we have learned to make the best of it. I resent that instead of cake and candles […]
