It took a very long time before I stopped seeing all the triggers the world holds as personally aimed assaults on my ability to stay standing. The radio songs, the names in books, the boy baby in blue who caught my eye and smiled at me outside of what felt normal. I grew a crust […]
See the sun again.
April has come and gone. It was hard this year. Hard because it will always be hard. Hard because it fought against the Spring and the sympathetic balm of warmth and light that is normally so familiar, so sweet, so sad, did not come. Hard because there was no fug of new baby warmth and […]
A story.
Once upon a time there was a woman who had a garden. It was a good garden, bigger than many people could ever hope for, filled with beautiful flowers. None of the flowers were perfect, none of them were necessarily the rarest or most dazzling flowers in the world but it was hers and she […]
Older
Ben is 11 days old. He is older than his big brother. It just is not right for that to happen when he is just so small. He is so loved, so part of us and I cannot believe that 11 days after Freddie’s birth I was sat at home, with aching, empty arms and […]
Second
Second son. Second chance. Second family. We’ve been luckier than anyone has any right to be. Lucky is a strange word to apply to a family who lose a child. Watching Ben uncurl – unfurl – is like having the clouds stripped from the earth and seeing all the beauty and imperfections of the world […]
Empty Chairs at Empty Tables
There can be few images of loss in literature more potent than that of the empty stool shown to Scrooge in the Cratchit house after Tiny Tim has died. There are few images more powerful in a film than that of Dumbo’s mother as she is torn from her child and left without him. It’s […]
Make it stop
It is certainly not unique experience to the babylost parent to feel cold horror creep when they hear of another parent losing their child. You do not have to have watched a child die, or be told your child has died, to know that it would be the most terrible thing, the most dreadful thing, […]
Admitting Small Elements of Defeat to Stay Standing
It??s been a rough week. The kids are all unwell and have been, in varying combinations, since last Thursday. Fran came down with another sore throat and got progressively worse all weekend; despite having a friend on sleep over, she needed all the pain killers going to keep her upright, so on Monday I took […]
Live in the now
Impossible not to live in the now. April is always a month of the past, has always been the month where I looked back and was surprised the life goes on, the world keeps spinning, the days pass. The month of shoots and sprouting and Spring, when things appear and the earth smells fresh. How […]
Empty & aching and I don't know why…
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 11 months old. Your birthday is creeping up and it is preying on all our minds, even in the places I normally expect it the least. I know we all wish we were planning the first ever boy birthday in the house instead of trying to work out how […]
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