Impossible not to live in the now.
April is always a month of the past, has always been the month where I looked back and was surprised the life goes on, the world keeps spinning, the days pass. The month of shoots and sprouting and Spring, when things appear and the earth smells fresh. How can you not live in the now when all the flowers a yellow and improbable, when the grass grows and every trip out is an assault of smells that say winter is over, here we go, let there be light, let there be life.
Yet April is also the month that will always remind me of the babies who are gone; one third of my conceived children simply not here, never will be, never came home. Now is everything, because that is now. April 6th is the moment where I count up and salute the past, think of a beautiful boy, not quite a man, who died this day… oh, 19 years ago. Made me loath daffodils.
Now daffodils are all I have of another boy. Now is forever, now is always in the past, now is the past forever in the future.
Now, is a Spring day when my girls have been happy, not the frightened scraps of churning emotions they were a year ago. Now is smiles and laughing and being with friends who know and care and remember. Now is being almost 13, with short hair and ready to book an appointment for ear piercing. Now is skimpy tops and a half knowing your bra shows through but deciding not to care. Now is reading Anne Frank and talking in the car of genocide and racism and discrimination and saying “how could they? It isn’t human to do that?” Now is the horror, at 13, of knowing that war like that is still present in the world.
Now is being 11 and tense and stressed and trying to learn to deal with that in a more grown up and controlled way. Now is wanting to be good at sport, prepared to work at it and put in the effort. Now is being clever enough to conspire with friends to be three places apart in the line at TKD so that all the girls end up in the same group. Now is being creative but passing up that opportunity because it is more fun to bounce. Now is growing 1/2cm a month for months at a time and knowing you look good in your blue checked shirt. Now is deciding you like your bum to wiggle when you walk and trying to practise.
Now is 8 but almost 9 and saying you can only imagine yourself 9 but no older. Now is knowing in a second that it was the wrong thing to say to a mother who has lost a child and trying to find a way out of it. Now is a cute pink knitted tunic top handed down from a friend and looking good with a high ponytail Now is evading work at all costs and playing the fool at trampoline because you’d rather be at gym. Now is planning to stay away at friends and all the excitement of that. Now is being sorry that trios are not always easy. And being too clever by half. And twice as funny.
Now is 6. The smallest in the family but not the youngest. Being a big sister without your little brother. Now is a new short haircut and stopping to hug your mum. Now is not learning to read in case it makes you grow up. Now is being as good at 3d drawing as your sisters and a damn sight more patient. Playing games and thinking your sisters will never be too old.
Now is the Spring bursting into Summer, days passing, the light getting brighter, the moments when ‘this time last year’ is still true. Now is not enough tears and wondering why. Now is learning to accept that not everyone gets a happy ending. Now is learning to find new endings, being grateful for what you have and…
But I do.
Written for Scribbling Mum’s Live in the Now, dude.