It??s been a rough week. The kids are all unwell and have been, in varying combinations, since last Thursday. Fran came down with another sore throat and got progressively worse all weekend; despite having a friend on sleep over, she needed all the pain killers going to keep her upright, so on Monday I took her to the doctors, expecting to get sent home with anti-biotics. I was slightly bemused she didn??t have a temperature, but her glands were all up and so I figured she needed seeing.
The doctor peered down her throat and then called me over and told me to tell him what she had. The minute I looked properly, I could see. Her tongue, cheeks and throat were clearly covered in a huge outbreak of oral thrush He immediately asked if she was diabetic (she isn??t) and then said he needed to test for it straight away and sent her to do a sample. Being Fran and consequently not really listening, she was slightly bemused to need to hand over wee for a sore throat, but as I followed her out, I caught sight of myself in a mirror; I was literally white. My brain was simultaneously thinking ??no, this sort of thing doesn??t happen to us?? while also thinking ??oh yes, it bloody does??.
Thankfully, the sample was negative but he wants to keep a close eye on her for a while and also check her out for glandular fever as she??s been off for a while now. I??m uncomfortably aware this could be the beginnings and she??ll test positive for it sometime soon. She??s less hoarse than she??s been recently though, so I hope that somehow she??s picked this up and it has caused a few problems. We??d been assuming her sore throats were cleft related as apparently that is quite common due to air escaping and irritating the throat.
The fright knocked me completely for six though and I??ve not really recovered. Plus I??m 95% sure the Clomid has made no difference and I??m not pregnant, though I could be wrong. (Won??t be though). I staggered through Monday and made no proper contribution at all to a lovely friends day. The girls had fun and made some lovely maps (will photograph) but I wasn??t really there
The weekend had been better though; Amelie and Fran tried out at cheerleading, F had C to stay while M went to stay with B (I need A and D friends for Josie and Amelie!) and we had an enjoyable time. Maddy did a TKD display and Fran danced and we pottered pleasantly around.
Tuesday we tried to settle down into work, though Maddy was getting poorly by then; we did make it over to the allotment though.
Wednesday I managed, despite barely being able to crawl out of my pit and only after bracing phone calls and promises of tea, to crawl to Historyetc. where the girls had a lovely time but I had reached the near bottom by then and crawled into a corner, curled up in a ball and cried my way through a morning. I??m not sure I have actually got to the ??can??t even function in public?? state before. I terrified a small boy I feel so lonely; I feel I just go on and on tediously and everyone must be sick of hearing it. I feel I??ve come to the end of the ears I can reasonably bend and the opinions and listening I can reasonably ask for. Max and I don??t speak of Freddie or speak of the infertility and I have no one to talk to any more. I am so not done with talking. I don??t know where to turn without burdening people with problems they must be sick of hearing about. I don??t know where to get the kind of endlessly patient listening this needs. I can??t even do it. When people are here, I make small talk. I have friends with problems as big, losses as big, who I know must want me at arms length so they don??t just see more misery on top of what they are already dealing with. I feel like such a broken record, but the pain, the awful terrible lonely pain of not knowing why Freddie died and not knowing why I can??t get pregnant and not being able to turn it over until I??m done, is just wretched. If I mention it at home, there is silence till I stop.
But I did get out on Wednesday, even though I only wanted to hide under my duvet ? and thanks to the patience of Michelle who did the perfect sort of bracing sympathy, I did eventually make it into a room with more than one person in it. I feel like such a failure for having those times. I was very grateful to everyone who kept the girls busy and pretended it hadn??t happened. There is nothing worse, for me, than worrying that everyone is watching me. It??s the thing I find hardest with the girls; they watch ALL the time.
Thursday we had a lovely day at home, even though the ??I tested too early but it is negative and it won??t be positive and what the fuck is wrong with me?? blues had kicked in by then. Thursday was a study in duality; I did a good home ed day (we did our photo day) while secretly being almost completely unable to even talk. And by the end of the day I did know that ttc or not, when this cycle comes to an end, it is time to go and find out whatever the safest anti-depressant to be on while ttc is. And take them. I??ve managed a year but actually, I??m not going to be okay. I??ve hit a bottom and there is nothing going to happen that is going to make this better and I can??t keep just shrieking for help and hoping someone answers and says the right thing.
Today though, I got a day out and went to meet MTJAM and Rachael from Tales from the Village. I??d not met either of them before and we had the most fantastically lovely few hours together. It was good ? and helped ? to be in the company of someone who has had this same awful experience of losing a child for a little while; good, in an odd way, to be a majority in a group of mothers for having had that experience. Good to see someone in the flesh who is a couple of years further on and still standing. Good to yatter to a couple of women with equally slightly surreal lives and laugh loudly and just be some other facet of myself for a few hours. Extra-ordinary, honestly, to go out for lunch and not have a single child with us and funny to be the person not having to get back for child related commitments. I even made Amelie miss ballet. (She was ill anyway.) I even bought myself a new bag and two (count em) pairs of shoes.
I was even proud of myself for turning off the cd that would have made me cry in the car. And I didn??t get lost. Or squashed, even if a lorry and van did try a pincer movement on me in a middle lane on the way home.
But it??s still time for the pills.
(This post was recreated from a back up following a server crash. As such, it is missing comments and hits and would love to get some back!)