I was afraid of her, the woman with the cruel eyes and the taunting expression. She held me close to her with my necklace and I could feel her breath on me as real as I could feel the eyes of the helpless watchers outside. She wanted to hurt me and I knew she would. […]
The ringing bell.
He’ll never grow out of Christmas, The bells will always ring, And if there are angels anywhere, It’s them who he’ll hear sing. They say that he’s a star now, I wanted to show him the moon, To hear the gleeful chatter Of the boy who went too soon. I don’t believe in heaven, But […]
Our 5th Remembering. #WaveOfLight
I can wish for the days when being part of the Wave of Light hurt so badly I wanted to collapse inward under the weight of my own dying star. I ache for the pain. I remember that this day pulled me low and broke me all over again. It no longer does. I regret […]
Saying his name.
The thing about grief is… The thing about grief… The thing is… It’s never over. That’s old, an old and hardly illuminating observation. Some days I’m almost there. Some days I’m in hiding. Some days I find I’ve absorbed the status quo so well that I almost believe that I, like everyone else in this […]
Everyone.
You wouldn’t know it, but this photo has all my children in it. When we first came here, all that time ago, 6 weeks after Freddie, I hunted for him. I found him here, by the stepping stones at this river. It’s the only place I’ve ever really felt him, in the swish of the […]
Little Girl.
She’s been my baby for so long. She’s been a closed book for so long. She’s been chubby and silent and suddenly she is lithe, determined, quietly confident, elegant and clever and clearly, most remarkably, beautiful. She captures another side of my family entirely; she alone looks almost exactly like my youngest girl cousin, from […]
For Freddie. #EveryNewborn
11 years ago when we started blogging, my friends and I wondered if blogging would ever be a way to change the world or even our own small worlds. It’s such a long time ago. So much has happened. There is a great deal more to say about this picture but I want to grab […]
Out of date.
Max and the girls had a model kit out at the weekend. It’s been in the garage, half made, for I don’t know how long, wrapped in newspaper, congealing paints, glue that has had long enough to go off and not stick properly. A relic of a different time. I couldn’t have told you when […]
Just a dog.
These times are more frequent lately. Flashbacks. Returning memories. A sudden glimpse of Freddie’s face in his sleeping brothers profile. A flicker of something that was gone and which is seeping back, slinking in through back doorways left unthinkingly open. I don’t try to look back. I don’t hunt for memories. I think that if […]
The elephant in the room.
It took a very long time before I stopped seeing all the triggers the world holds as personally aimed assaults on my ability to stay standing. The radio songs, the names in books, the boy baby in blue who caught my eye and smiled at me outside of what felt normal. I grew a crust […]
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