Patch Of Puddles
  • Archives
  • About Us
  • Neonatal Loss
  • Health & Issues
    • Birth Stories
      • Birth Story – Frances
      • Birth Story – Maddy
      • Birth Story – Amelie
      • Birth Story – Josie
      • Birth Story – Freddie
    • Cleft Lip and Palate
    • Caesarean & Vbac
    • PASS will Pass
  • Home Ed
    • Making Paper Boats
    • Home Ed Resources
    • A Typical HE Day
    • Jump Page
    • Ed Report 2003
    • Ed Report 2004
    • Ed Report 2005
    • Ed Report 2010
  • Puddles
    • Poetry Collection
    • Books
    • Camping List
    • Favourite Adult Fiction Authors
    • Gardening Pages
    • Poetry Collection
  • Contact
    • Places PoP is Listed
    • Disclosure & Privacy
    • Social Media Channels
    • Work with Me
You are here: Home / Family Life / Freddie / Tripping up.

Tripping up.

March 3, 2015 by

I was afraid of her, the woman with the cruel eyes and the taunting expression. She held me close to her with my necklace and I could feel her breath on me as real as I could feel the eyes of the helpless watchers outside. She wanted to hurt me and I knew she would.

“It’s things that matter to you, not people,” she said and pulled the necklace tighter. I felt the chain cut my neck, it sawed into me and I flopped closer to her to relieve the pressure on my skin and save the chain from breaking. But I was clever, cleverer than she thought and while I held her gaze I started to taunt her back, swing gently against the chain, mesmerise her with the pull and motion of the necklace. She still held the leaf but it lengthened, twisted, vibrated and shone and her eyes glazed over. I hypnotised her with it, saved myself with the chain. I saw her slump back into her chair and I released the clasp, leaving my leaf, my Freddie leaf, in her hand.

“You are wrong,” I said, walking backwards. “I know what matters. People. You can keep the leaf. That isn’t him.”

Eyes on her, I edged to the door, slid it open, stepped through. The latch clicked. The police around me clapped.

“Well done. You kept your head. You made the right decision. Well done.”

Safe.

But the noise of the lock had woken her  – perhaps. She opened her eyes, winked, walked to the window and signaled outside.

Someone shouted for me. The police started running.

A helicopter hovered above. As vile as Hollywood henchmen, her thugs were ready to play out the scene.

Max, the girls, Bene all suspended on ropes above me, screaming as their torturers swung them up and down and back and forth. Exactly the same movement I had used to trick her.

And then they let the ropes go. Dropped them all.

I woke before they hit the ground. In the second before I made myself wake up, I knew exactly what I had done. I thought I was so clever. I thought I had saved myself but by escaping, I doomed them all. The only thing that kept them safe was me being in danger. When I let go of my leaf and let him go, I lost them all.

It was not a kind awakening; violent, thudding, horrifying. No more sleep for hours. The kind of waking that disturbs bedfellows, leaves your heart hammering so hard it feels dangerous.

***

I never dream of Freddie but lately he has crept in at the edges of my sleep, the loss of him and the trauma of him. Never the boy.

***

I sat through the first half of a child first aid course today. I forgot to prepare myself for the impact of it, because everyday life is manageable now and I don’t remember how fragile the grip can be. I lasted – with the help of firm and practical support from a friend – but it shocked me to find myself teetering on the edge of broken again. It feels a long time since I’ve struggled with that. A child sized dummy, talk of death and non-breathing children though… it doesn’t take much to be back in a room ,a bed, a striped duvet, the quiet, and the little purple, blue, white hand.The sounds after death and the end of movement.

Really, it doesn’t take much at all.

c1a2f54e72a92ce0744221f83c45503c.jpg

Filed Under: Freddie, Grief

Comments

  1. Jacqui Coshall says

    March 3, 2015 at 6:57 pm

    cuddles honey xx

  2. SallyM says

    March 3, 2015 at 9:23 pm

    Lots of love and holding your hand xxx

  3. Kelly Innes (@domesticgoddesq) says

    March 4, 2015 at 8:43 am

    There is nothing you write that I don’t want to read; immerse myself in the pattern of words; feelings swimming around my head and my heart. I forget the world whilst I read. Then I come back. And my heart shrinks when I realise that you cannot. Hugs as always x

Categories

Archives 2003-2015

Recent Posts

  • After The End.
  • The End.
  • “The last thing I want to do is document it all.”
  • Big Changes.
  • A Toy or Two to Tempt me to Blog.

About Baby Freddie

  • Baby Freddie
  • Update on Freddie
  • Stop all the Clocks
  • Alongside and Beyond
  • Freddie's April.
  • 23 April 2010
  • A Life More Ordinary
  • Freddie's Day
  • Balancing it up.
  • Other Stuff

Recent Posts

  • The End.
  • “The last thing I want to do is document it all.”
  • Big Changes.
  • A Toy or Two to Tempt me to Blog.
  • 11 days. 
  • Not 6. 
  • Buying for Dad: Perfect presents for all ages
  • Memories of Paris from my teens – and my teen.
  • A mother’s day.
  • Easy Tips & Tricks To Introduce Your Children To Gardening

Daffodil Boy

#DaffodilBoy

MerrilyMe on Pinterest

ShareNiger

Cybher 2013

Copyright © 2025 · Metro Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Non-necessary
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
SAVE & ACCEPT