These days, when I look in my girls eyes, I can see many things. I can see that they’ve been sad, terribly, terribly sad and that it will be with them forever. But I also see girls who know how to be happy; every day I see them take a deep breath, shake themselves and […]
The God of Things with Plugs
…clearly did not like me choosing a simple hand tool as my favourite gadget. Yesterday I had my phone stolen, at least that is the best explanation I can come up with, since I entered the shop with it and didn’t have it when I got home and no one in the shop has it, […]
The End of All Things
The one that starts with things endings and ends with things beginning and covers up an awful lot of wondering “how could you?” It has been a horrible week; I’ve cried harder this week than I have all year, mostly bout things I can’t write and partly because anything stressful turns into more tears about […]
Ups and downs
After a week of all the girls being poorly, Max and I came down with milder versions of it this weekend. We pootled about though and did things – the girls indulged in a lot of rabbit play and pet worship, which was great to see. I made these and Josie sat with me, also […]
Hope whispered.
A few weeks ago I was lucky enough to win this beautiful bookmark from SkyBlueSea thanks to a give away on Sleep is for the Weak. I got to customise it, choosing a star for Freddie and and M for myself and Suzanne found this wonderful quote for me, which just epitomises how life needs […]
Knitting Progress
The knitted sanity blanket continues and I’m starting to think this blanket says a lot about the process of the last year. There was no expectation of anything changing, ever again, in the beginning and no expectation of recovery, or learning to live alongside all of this. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to […]
Reluctantly Spring
Hey, little boy. I see you.
Empty & aching and I don't know why…
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 11 months old. Your birthday is creeping up and it is preying on all our minds, even in the places I normally expect it the least. I know we all wish we were planning the first ever boy birthday in the house instead of trying to work out how […]
Things that don't make sense
How can it be that a birth that left me in this kind of a mess resulted in a healthy child and a birth as simple, easy and beautiful as Freddie’s resulted in a child who died but who left me with no lasting rage, anger or mental damage. How am I supposed to make […]
Marshalling Mojo
Recently, Jax wrote about her mojo being AWOL. We’ve had some similarities in our life over the last few years, Jax and I – a significant loss(es) each, a long period of trying to be pregnant, juggling work and home educating. And I certainly know what she means about mojo upping and leaving (I hope […]
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