The one that starts with things endings and ends with things beginning and covers up an awful lot of wondering “how could you?”
It has been a horrible week; I’ve cried harder this week than I have all year, mostly bout things I can’t write and partly because anything stressful turns into more tears about Freddie. For 5 nights now I’ve had only a few hours sleep, more lack of sleep than my fragile equilibrium can handle and it resulted in me just losing all sense of perspective. I’ve had darker thoughts about whether I can actually sustain my life long term this week than I’ve had in a long time.
Fran and Amelie have left their gymnastics club; it has been falling apart, slowly and horribly, for months. The owner left and didn’t leave a supported or sustainable structure in place and coaches and gymnasts have flocked and drifted away. The atmosphere stumbled and collapsed and the plans and structure stumbled and collapsed and my girls, who needed their coaches and their club and the continuity it ought to have provided, tried to stay loyal but in the end they just couldn’t raise themselves to enjoy it any more. Hardly anyone is left who they cared about and hardly anyone who is left cares about being there. It is such a sad end to something they loved and which we enjoyed supporting.
Next week we are going to join a trampoline club for a few months and look around for some new things. We’ll see where the wind blows us and enjoy a little more evening freedom for a while.
Their dancing school is also losing a staff member and lessons which they’ve attended for years are altering. Miss D took their first ever class, when I was heavily pregnant with Josie and it is going to be a shock to not see her. Everything’s changing.
Our Latinetc group has come to an unexpected end too. It has been so important to all of us, but suddenly it was not possible to sustain all the requirements and aspirations of everyone in it any more. Far more speedily than anyone really expected, we’ve concluded it. I hope it isn’t actually the end of working together, but it will be a different thing if we manage to regroup and it has come at a tough time for us personally, even leaving aside the rest of the group and how they feel. It means I also need to look for a new flute teacher for Maddy, as we’ll not be in the same place as her current one on a regular basis any more.
*exhales* about everything.
Perhaps all that explains why I behaved rather ungraciously this morning when I unexpectedly discovered a new baby on a blog I read called something I didn’t expect. I apologise for that – it was just shock. I suppose I expect that among circles of people who understand, some names become taboo. But that isn’t reasonable. I was just taken aback 🙁
Ten days ago I had a scan to see if I was ovulating at all; it was a horrible scan, rough, unpleasant and insensitively done and it left me very distressed, especially as I had to go to it while Button was dying. But it did see that I had just ovulated, which meant that our ‘not trying’ month did actually have a well/badly timed bit of trying in it after all. It meant I had some hope where I shouldn’t have.
But today my period started again, only 18 days after the last one. It means that even with an egg and perfect timing, I’m not getting pregnant. I’m supposed to start Clomid in a month but if I’m ovulating I have no hope it can do anything I’m not doing anyway. So there goes that hope.
God. This time last year I thought I was a few days away from completing my family. I’m beginning to wish I was a few days away from being old, grey and ready to depart.