As things go, the Gallery provided too many opportunities for reflection this month. Too many I couldn’t walk past: they felt like a summons. But April hasn’t been a sad month, after all, it has been a happy month, one that has helped me see how lucky I am, even if it takes a certain […]
In the end
I committed to a post a day through April and so here is the last of them. I can’t honestly do better than a song, one I love and which makes me cry but which also makes me smile wistfully. I am sad tonight. Freddie, I miss you so much. I wanted to watch you […]
Made it.
We made it. Made it through April, made it through all the dates, made it through a birthday and a death day and a funeral day and a heap of horrible other days. Still upright. Not really whole, but not broken, or not more broken anyway. A month ago it felt like I had to […]
The Gallery: Green
I’ve got out of the habit of new things; new clothes, new places, new people. Until last week I was wearing all the same clothes I wore before and during being pregnant. I hung on to them, the top I wore when he was born, the top I was wearing when he died. I don’t […]
Omens
The Magnolia tree given to us by friends from old Yahoo groups has flowered. One of the branches reaches out into the garden. If I still believed in signs and omens, one branch, with four open flowers, a flower that nearly opened and a bud might seem like a promise. Or it might seem like […]
Making something grow
Thanks to my many lovely friends, the garden is still looking beautiful; daffs are hanging on, tulips blooming, one magnolia is still making new blooms and the other is about to burst open. Not bad for an iPhone. It’s worth a thank you. I didn’t want to garden last year, but being sent trees and […]
This thing called…
When someone dies, people tell you a lot about the stages of grief. I believe there are 4; it says something, though I’m not sure what, that I can only ever remember 3 of them at a time. Right now though, I know exactly which one I’m fighting with: anger. I’m angry and I’m frightened […]
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead
Miss you little boy. Night night. Wait for me.
The Gallery: Tomorrow
Yesterday, a year ago, I was watching and photographing Freddie. I had no idea it was his last day alive. Today, a year ago, I had just watched him die. Now, it is more than a year since I was pregnant or had a baby to care for and love. Tomorrow, I need to get […]
Happy Face and Button Pictures
Oh i could twist and turn in the mud of a good old wallow tonight. But I’ll spare you the agony; I think it would probably be gratuitous and maybe I’ll need to do it more another night. So instead, let me tell you how I spent the day with the two girls who were […]
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