On Friday I will be decommissioned, put out of action, consigned to the reproductive scrap heap, put out to grass. My tubes will be corked and my fertility stoppered and there will be no more babies for me. I'm 38, I have had 6 children, been pregnant more times than a body needs to be […]
And then came the rainbows…
I remember writing a long time ago that I knew one day posts about Freddie on here would fade away. It was the early days then, right at the beginning – but I knew even then that the desperate pain and grief would not always be something I could find and write new feelings about… […]
The Gallery: April
As things go, the Gallery provided too many opportunities for reflection this month. Too many I couldn’t walk past: they felt like a summons. But April hasn’t been a sad month, after all, it has been a happy month, one that has helped me see how lucky I am, even if it takes a certain […]
Making something grow
Thanks to my many lovely friends, the garden is still looking beautiful; daffs are hanging on, tulips blooming, one magnolia is still making new blooms and the other is about to burst open. Not bad for an iPhone. It’s worth a thank you. I didn’t want to garden last year, but being sent trees and […]
This thing called…
When someone dies, people tell you a lot about the stages of grief. I believe there are 4; it says something, though I’m not sure what, that I can only ever remember 3 of them at a time. Right now though, I know exactly which one I’m fighting with: anger. I’m angry and I’m frightened […]
The End of All Things
The one that starts with things endings and ends with things beginning and covers up an awful lot of wondering “how could you?” It has been a horrible week; I’ve cried harder this week than I have all year, mostly bout things I can’t write and partly because anything stressful turns into more tears about […]
Empty & aching and I don't know why…
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 11 months old. Your birthday is creeping up and it is preying on all our minds, even in the places I normally expect it the least. I know we all wish we were planning the first ever boy birthday in the house instead of trying to work out how […]
That one last get out.
Thanks to the arrival, today, of my period, I have passed a milestone, the bitterest yet. I have to sit out next month in this grim and vile trying to conceive malarkey and so I can no longer be pregnant by Freddie’s first birthday. I can no longer have a rainbow baby in 2011. Anything […]
