Thanks to the arrival, today, of my period, I have passed a milestone, the bitterest yet. I have to sit out next month in this grim and vile trying to conceive malarkey and so I can no longer be pregnant by Freddie’s first birthday. I can no longer have a rainbow baby in 2011. Anything I thought might carry me through April, is not going to happen. April is just going to be a series of dreadful anniversaries, another failed cycle and a wait to start on Clomid in May. I don’t really know quite how to bear the next two months. I’m not entirely sure how to bear the rest of my life.
It sucks, this trying to conceive. I know I’m lucky, I do know, I’ve had 5 children, but this is a grim time to be struggling with a lack of fertility. It was grim when I wanted Freddie and it is brutal now. I’m doing my best to be brave and graceful about it, but I don’t really know how to be any more.
I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why Freddie died and I wish I knew why I couldn’t conceive any more. It is breaking me apart. I spend my nights forcing myself to keep away from Google; I just ant to sit and read every similar case on both counts, dead babies, women who stop being able to conceive and find some answers. I want to have answers, or even ideas. I want someone who knows to say “well, when people have this it means x, when this happens to a baby I have known it to be y.” I feel so stifled and helpless, so ill informed. It is the same feeling as those dreams, the ones where you can’t dial the phone number or the ones where you can’t make yourself run. Only that is life now. And always will be.
I want a child to watch grow, instead of one I can always call ‘baby’. I want to keep photos of a life that keeps on going, not one that stopped. And most of all, I just want to be pregnant again so I can put an end to some of this pain. I just want to feel another child growing so I can guess if I was right, if I did feel that something was wrong. I just ant a happy ending. There is nothing I can do. I can’t make myself pregnant, I can’t get anyone to give me an answer. I can’t find the answer or the end.