I’m supposed to be finding things every day that I’m happy or pleased about at the end of it. This isn’t easy, mainly because I don’t seem to have the energy to create much movement at all and partly because being happy, being pleased and living has a measure of guilt attached, which is hard […]
I've run out of words
There are so many I could say but really, what’s the point? I’ve never felt so helpless in all my life. There doesn’t seem to be a single place in any aspect of anything where I can force or provoke a change that would make any of it better. I can’t help my children to […]
International Baby Loss Day
Today is International Baby Loss Awareness Day At 7pm people around the world will light candles to remember babies lost in all circumstances, at any age, during pregnancy, birth or after. Jess has read a list of baby names aloud at AfterIris. I’m incredibly grateful for the special effort she made for Freddie when he […]
Oh, to wear my heart on my sleeve
Six months ago today, our little boy died. 11 days was not enough. Twice in the last few days, people have, meaning to be kind given me their condolences and said “sorry to mention it, you must not want to think about it.” But I do. I think of ‘it’, of him, all the time. […]
Yesterday at the library…
I was browsing about in the fiction section and randomly picked up a book by someone I’ve never read and read the back. “4 friends promise to always be there for each other while at college… 20 years later that promise is put to the test.” ‘Oh, oh, I thought, I see where that is […]
If there were a way to switch it off I would
Last night I dreamt about Freddie. We were a few months on and he was still in hospital and I was trying to split myself between him and the girls and working and everything else in my life and not doing a good job at all. And people kept asking me how he was doing […]
Too long since you left me
Dear Freddie, Today you should be six months old. I’ve been dreading this one but it hasn’t been as bad as it could have been. Maddy and I went shopping and yes, the place was full of little boy outfits and little boys and yes, I did look at an outfit for a six month […]
Dreams are never free
I’ve been a bit off blogging about the endless, wearying aftermath of trying to come to terms with life through a new lens. Various things caused it but the effect of it has been bad; if I don’t write it down, it washes around my head and causes me pain. In the same way my […]
Trees
When you are small, some things are forever. At my junior school, the Wednesday walks in the Arboretum were forever. At my senior school, the trees on the Quad were forever. At my Nana’s house I played under an avenue of Oak trees, gathered acorns, mulched leaves, gathered knobbly twigs to feed autumnal bonfires and […]
Our Family Tree
The “family tree” has been a watchword in our family for a long time – we lived opposite one that became christened such for a couple of years, in honour of “The Tigger Movie” and Maddy planted one a few years ago in a pot which is now a strapping sapling, waiting to be planted […]
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