Image Credit: University of Michigan In the nights following Freddie’s death, Max and I sat on the sofa, wrapped in a duvet, clinging to each other. We didn’t say much, we didn’t even cry much. We managed to have a spectacular row about a camping weekend and we managed to feed and put children to […]
Empty & aching and I don't know why…
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 11 months old. Your birthday is creeping up and it is preying on all our minds, even in the places I normally expect it the least. I know we all wish we were planning the first ever boy birthday in the house instead of trying to work out how […]
Things that don't make sense
How can it be that a birth that left me in this kind of a mess resulted in a healthy child and a birth as simple, easy and beautiful as Freddie’s resulted in a child who died but who left me with no lasting rage, anger or mental damage. How am I supposed to make […]
Marshalling Mojo
Recently, Jax wrote about her mojo being AWOL. We’ve had some similarities in our life over the last few years, Jax and I – a significant loss(es) each, a long period of trying to be pregnant, juggling work and home educating. And I certainly know what she means about mojo upping and leaving (I hope […]
Mourning Time
In six weeks time, it should be my son’s first birthday. Whatever seconds have passed, whatever the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks and the months have been like this year, they have passed and now it is nearly Spring. It is nearly a year since that first newborn breath failed to happen, nearly […]
Ten Months
Dear Freddie, Ten months ago I was sitting by your cot, wondering in a daze how this had possibly happened, how my worst fears had come true, how you could possibly be so sick when none of the dreadful and dire things I had been warned of for 10 years and 4 births had happened. […]
Identical Laws
Apparently the same law that applies to home ed (have one very good day, you immediately get a very bad day) applies to baby grief in a similar way. So if you write a sentence like this:- “Now that, I hate saying this but I’m having to try and make it true, the worst of […]
Being a better mummy
Now that, I hate saying this but I’m having to try and make it true, the worst of the raw grieving is beginning to pass, I’m trying to keep my promise to Freddie that I would be a better mummy to the girls in remembrance of him. I love them so much and losing a […]
Rabbit Hole
My friend Leslie pointed me to this trailer for a film. I think it is the most perfect representation of grief for a child that I have ever seen. This is exactly how I feel. This is exactly my life. The expression on her face when people talk of angels, the shot of her doing […]
Graduation
I graduated from counselling today. It was my last session, my final chance to talk about all those thoughts and feelings that surround Freddie, his fleeting life and the drift of flotsam that has been left in his wake. The last time I can ponder and talk and rage and cry to someone without wondering […]
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