Woven inside and outside of everything that resides inside a busy family and bringing up a new baby and time passing by I’m aware, if less vocal, about some of the intangibles of grief. For so long I was racked and grazed by the contradictions of loss, of having a child but not having him, […]
Foggy headed mumma
Goodness this is hard work. I really wonder how on earth I managed when I had a newborn and 3 under 6 years old and. Business to run. I must have had a damn site more energy than I do now, anyway. Thankfully, with Max at home doing everything else, I can at least just […]
A New Year.
The last two years I did a New Years Eve post, one full of hope and joy, one full of anger and despair. This year I didn’t think I would take the risk. In fact, looking back at the festive period this year, I think I got through it all by just deciding not to […]
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead
Miss you little boy. Night night. Wait for me.
Empty & aching and I don't know why…
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 11 months old. Your birthday is creeping up and it is preying on all our minds, even in the places I normally expect it the least. I know we all wish we were planning the first ever boy birthday in the house instead of trying to work out how […]
Mourning Time
In six weeks time, it should be my son’s first birthday. Whatever seconds have passed, whatever the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks and the months have been like this year, they have passed and now it is nearly Spring. It is nearly a year since that first newborn breath failed to happen, nearly […]
Ten Months
Dear Freddie, Ten months ago I was sitting by your cot, wondering in a daze how this had possibly happened, how my worst fears had come true, how you could possibly be so sick when none of the dreadful and dire things I had been warned of for 10 years and 4 births had happened. […]
Identical Laws
Apparently the same law that applies to home ed (have one very good day, you immediately get a very bad day) applies to baby grief in a similar way. So if you write a sentence like this:- “Now that, I hate saying this but I’m having to try and make it true, the worst of […]
Being a better mummy
Now that, I hate saying this but I’m having to try and make it true, the worst of the raw grieving is beginning to pass, I’m trying to keep my promise to Freddie that I would be a better mummy to the girls in remembrance of him. I love them so much and losing a […]
Rabbit Hole
My friend Leslie pointed me to this trailer for a film. I think it is the most perfect representation of grief for a child that I have ever seen. This is exactly how I feel. This is exactly my life. The expression on her face when people talk of angels, the shot of her doing […]
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