In the days following Freddie’s death, I was pointed to the Glow in the Woods writers and forum and a place where I would find comfort and solace and friendship among others who would understand what I was going through. I badly needed a place where the focus was not on angels or god or […]
A head filled with heavy nothing.
Oh dear. No blogging. We’ve actually been having a good time, if you count charging around like loons a good time. I could write lots of posts filled with interesting stuff. I will do. But not here. If you read my other blog (and thank you to the people who do and commented, I really […]
The opposites of grief.
Woven inside and outside of everything that resides inside a busy family and bringing up a new baby and time passing by I’m aware, if less vocal, about some of the intangibles of grief. For so long I was racked and grazed by the contradictions of loss, of having a child but not having him, […]
Right Where I Am: 2 years, 2 months.
When I joined in with this project last year, I was tottering on the brink of utter despair. I wrote my entry on the cusp month between the end of Freddie’s time and the beginning of Ben’s time. That single month that was left before I found out I was pregnant again. It was feeling […]
So that was nice.
This week has been an interesting one and rather unpleasant too. Firstly I managed to put my back out standing up out of a chair, then I discover I have nits… And worse ONLY I have nits. So I must have got them at cybher. Ha. That’s taking free gifts too far. Then today I […]
Real blogging is hard to find.
Two years ago my head was bursting with thoughts and feelings and tears and fear and last year, worn out with another year of trying to conceive and grief and loneliness for a little boy who was never coming back, I just wanted to mark his moments and revel in having had him. We lit […]
Cousins
We are having a lovely few days. Comparing this year to last year is something I am trying hard not to do, because it seems unkind or disrespectful to be happy this year. But we are. Now is not the time to dwell or try to make sense of how unreal the last two years […]
It was, you may say, satisfactory.
We took our grief to Audley End, a place I carried Freddie secretly one hot late summer day 2 1/2 years ago. Walked the same grass, trod the same paths. We are not the same 6 as then. We are not even 6. We are a family who count ourselves in measured phrases and appropriate […]
Second
Second son. Second chance. Second family. We’ve been luckier than anyone has any right to be. Lucky is a strange word to apply to a family who lose a child. Watching Ben uncurl – unfurl – is like having the clouds stripped from the earth and seeing all the beauty and imperfections of the world […]
Home
We are home. Carrying Benedict out of the hospital was up there with the two most emotional walks of my life, quite literally walking in the opposite direction down a corridor to my only ever walk with Freddie. With my back to the door of that room. Going home. I don’t think either of us […]
