I wrote this as a comment on Glow, that amazing wonderful place that has held me together over the last year. I’m copying it here to remind myself, on the days when the empty and dark feelings have me by the throat and won’t let go and when it seems that life, any amount of […]
Made it.
We made it. Made it through April, made it through all the dates, made it through a birthday and a death day and a funeral day and a heap of horrible other days. Still upright. Not really whole, but not broken, or not more broken anyway. A month ago it felt like I had to […]
This thing called…
When someone dies, people tell you a lot about the stages of grief. I believe there are 4; it says something, though I’m not sure what, that I can only ever remember 3 of them at a time. Right now though, I know exactly which one I’m fighting with: anger. I’m angry and I’m frightened […]
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead
Miss you little boy. Night night. Wait for me.
One week until 11 days until 2 weeks until forever.
I’ve tried not to be maudlin this March. I thought it would be so awful and it hasn’t been but suddenly it has hit me that in 6 days I should be celebrating a birthday. In 6 days I can’t say “I was pregnant this time last year. This week is it. This week is […]
The End of All Things
The one that starts with things endings and ends with things beginning and covers up an awful lot of wondering “how could you?” It has been a horrible week; I’ve cried harder this week than I have all year, mostly bout things I can’t write and partly because anything stressful turns into more tears about […]
Bye Bye Button Rabbit :(
Button a photo by Merrily Me on Flickr. At lunch time today Fran came in to say that Button, our 8 year old rabbit, was shaking and not looking right. She had been hopping about just fine yesterday, though I thought she looked a bit lethargic and slow but she was still happy to chase […]
Knitting Progress
The knitted sanity blanket continues and I’m starting to think this blanket says a lot about the process of the last year. There was no expectation of anything changing, ever again, in the beginning and no expectation of recovery, or learning to live alongside all of this. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to […]
Empty & aching and I don't know why…
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 11 months old. Your birthday is creeping up and it is preying on all our minds, even in the places I normally expect it the least. I know we all wish we were planning the first ever boy birthday in the house instead of trying to work out how […]
Marshalling Mojo
Recently, Jax wrote about her mojo being AWOL. We’ve had some similarities in our life over the last few years, Jax and I – a significant loss(es) each, a long period of trying to be pregnant, juggling work and home educating. And I certainly know what she means about mojo upping and leaving (I hope […]
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