Poor Josie has woken up with Chicken Pox this morning, which is odd to say the least since it was only yesterday that, hunting back through my blog to make myself cry with what a 5 month old should be doing, I found these pictures of Amelie from after she had chicken pox (lord, don’t […]
Don't worry, I'm ok now
Things come in runs. On Tuesday, a gym mum asked me how it was going having a boy after all those girls and then today at TKD someone asked me “what did you have?” It’s beyond me to say “a boy” and not tell them he died – and not possible anyway really as the […]
After the love comes the breaking of my heart
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 5 months old. For the first time, I hardly know what to write to you. I’ve thought a lot about how this time 5 months ago we were so close and yet already so far apart. It was already too late. I think it was too late from our […]
Stories : Dreams : Grief : Friendship
I’ve cycled 300 miles since I left hospital without Freddie. I cycle the same route most days: around 3 lakes, over bridges, through gates, under trees. I listen to stories and I breathe and I keep a steady pace. Today I listened as Lyra and Will fell in love, found what it was to touch […]
Chewing wasps and spitting feathers
Well. We haven’t really done so much of either. But I quite liked it as a title 🙂 Yesterday we started our new HE regime… for however long it lasts. In an attempt to pull together some of what has worked in the past, add a little of what we enjoy and try some things […]
Perceptions
I’m seeing the hospital grief counsellor at the moment; I’m not convinced I really need to, or that it can do me any good, but it isn’t doing me any harm and she’s nice. One of the things she says to me a lot is that I’m very hard on myself and that I don’t […]
Food and thoughts
We grew something. We even ate it. Not only that; I cooked it. I’ve had a really rotten day; full of empty grief and loss and lack of hope. I’ve sat on my bed and not cried, cuddled Freddie’s blanket and not been able to find comfort, read a novel about infertility and child loss, […]
Ever on and on.
The last few weeks have been building up to the three older girls having some time away from home; an opportunity arose for Fran and Amelie to attend a gym camp at a gymnastics centre some way from us, known to us slightly through a friend and a competition that Fran has done. We offered […]
The flip side
I’ve been umming and aahing about something to wear that would remind me of Freddie; eventually I’d like a name necklace but I’m not ready for the questions yet. The other day I saw this beautiful bead; an oak tree with a sapling on the back. It just felt perfect – so I treated myself. […]
Feelings not Reasons
This morning someone posted a longish paragraph about how to help someone experiencing grief. It was interesting, I read it carefully and wondered a lot how it related to me in the situation I find myself. I found it particularly interesting because I’ve had a week off from the girls this week and been at […]
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