We had a good day. There is always a conscious group effort to be happy in his birthday, not sad. What would be the point, after all? We went back to Anglesey Anney this year. The weather had threatened to be really awful, so we didn’t make big plans and then Josie came down […]
The elephant in the room.
It took a very long time before I stopped seeing all the triggers the world holds as personally aimed assaults on my ability to stay standing. The radio songs, the names in books, the boy baby in blue who caught my eye and smiled at me outside of what felt normal. I grew a crust […]
Again
The 30th March, so Timehop reminded me today, was Freddie’s due date. Tomorrow is the day when I thought he was coming and curled up in bed. Perhaps I should have walked about, maybe he’d have made it then. The 1st April we sat at the table and played with Hama Beads. And then came […]
The Angry.
Wednesday was a really tough day. Every so often, a grief day emerges, out of nowhere except a combination of events and hormones and co-incidences and moments of unexpected thoughtlessness. And Wednesday started, as it so often does, with a dream. I never dream about Freddie; I have barely dreamed of him at all; I […]
The Silent Salute #WaveOfLight
There are days when I ache to speak of Freddie with my voice, not my fingers. Days when I wish for someone to sit with me and hold me while I sift his hospital notes and my hastily copied social media comments for the snippets of his life which have fled my memory. There are […]
See the sun again.
April has come and gone. It was hard this year. Hard because it will always be hard. Hard because it fought against the Spring and the sympathetic balm of warmth and light that is normally so familiar, so sweet, so sad, did not come. Hard because there was no fug of new baby warmth and […]
The Ten Things That Make Me & Us.
A person, a family, are far more than a collection of things, ailments, personalities, looks, interests and abilities. What I notice more than anything about having a large family, is how we all alter with each other; each little change brings about something new. With the exiting of Amelie from every day home ed, Maddy […]
Real blogging is hard to find.
Two years ago my head was bursting with thoughts and feelings and tears and fear and last year, worn out with another year of trying to conceive and grief and loneliness for a little boy who was never coming back, I just wanted to mark his moments and revel in having had him. We lit […]
Empty Chairs at Empty Tables
There can be few images of loss in literature more potent than that of the empty stool shown to Scrooge in the Cratchit house after Tiny Tim has died. There are few images more powerful in a film than that of Dumbo’s mother as she is torn from her child and left without him. It’s […]
Kidding Myself
Having let myself think it would get easier when I started to feel movement, I’m now finding it isn’t easier at all. This baby goes through phases of movement, which my head knows is normal, but my heart isn’t dealing with that at all. Yesterday, for the first time, I found myself thinking “we aren’t […]
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