There can be few images of loss in literature more potent than that of the empty stool shown to Scrooge in the Cratchit house after Tiny Tim has died. There are few images more powerful in a film than that of Dumbo’s mother as she is torn from her child and left without him. It’s […]
I think it's gonna be a long, long time.
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 18 months old. Such a very big age, so very firmly toddler. Walking with bits of talking, chubby hands holding mine on days out in the sun. Proper food, maybe even a proper chair at the table. Probably in your own room, maybe even weaned. Dirt clothes from making […]
Tommy's 5 Point Pregnancy Plan – Make a difference.
I have walked out of a maternity unit leaving my dead newborn son behind me. I have driven home, unaware that I left the building in my pyjamas and walked across the car park in socks and stared blankly at the car in front for a 20 minute journey home; that car had a ‘baby […]
Kidding Myself
Having let myself think it would get easier when I started to feel movement, I’m now finding it isn’t easier at all. This baby goes through phases of movement, which my head knows is normal, but my heart isn’t dealing with that at all. Yesterday, for the first time, I found myself thinking “we aren’t […]
At the Kitchen Table with Glow: Time
This is my contribution to the meme hosted at Glow this week on the passage of time after the loss of a child. Two others I love are by Jeanette and Jill who both, thanks to us ‘knowing’ each other online before the deaths of our babies, have been particularly special to me in the […]
Soup
I mind this new soup that I’m swimming in; don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the break from grief and the break from the relentless trying and recovering. It’s a relief to have at least one answer to one question, one why knocked off the list. But this new place […]
Kestor Bliss
Kestor is our place. it’s the place Max took me on our first Dartmoor walk together, the place we got lost in fog together, the place we have walked out children at all the ages they have been. It’s his second ‘home’ tor, nestling above Chagford and Thorn where his Gran lived and where he […]
Right where I am: 1 year, 2 months.
Right at the beginning, I promised myself I would not stray down the path of marking moments and counting days. Not again. Not for Freddie. I wanted him to be more than dates and more than grief. So I can’t tell you, won’t tell you, how many days it is since he was born, or […]
Blanket Watch
The sanity blanket is nearing completion. It was 8 squares left and then I decided it wanted it to be 7×7 so now it is back to being 9. I really want this done now; I want it finished by the end of May, so I am knitting MADLY. Argh. I think it is good […]
To remind myself some other day.
I wrote this as a comment on Glow, that amazing wonderful place that has held me together over the last year. I’m copying it here to remind myself, on the days when the empty and dark feelings have me by the throat and won’t let go and when it seems that life, any amount of […]
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