The sanity blanket is nearing completion. It was 8 squares left and then I decided it wanted it to be 7×7 so now it is back to being 9. I really want this done now; I want it finished by the end of May, so I am knitting MADLY. Argh.
I think it is good it has become a chore, it will be another part of a process of closure when it is done. I want to be able to look at it now and say “that time is passed and there is the proof”.
I don’t really know about myself this week; I have a nagging suspicion that all is not well. Dangerously, I’ve let hope take hold and that is not a good thing. I’ve let myself see signs and see them as good signs. I’m frustrated because I hoped my HSG appt would come through in time for my next cycle, but it hasn’t and so if things are blocked, I’ll end up on at least one my medicated cycle where it can;t work. I’ve already written this one off in my head and assumed it won’t. I don’t have evidence, except for experience, of that.
I’ve started to have flash backs, disorientating, breath taking ones. I’ve had an uncomfortable number of dreams, ones where I’m pregnant and ones where I’m holding a child down and strangling him to death. I suspect these are not good things.
When they come, these bad things, there are two choices. I can crumple under the weight and fold up, clinging to Max and barely functioning and trying to breathe or I can push it all down and try to keep going. That’s a bit like trying to hold a blanket over an octopus, not very effective but passable. But just at the moment what I recognise is the feeling from about 4 months in – “this cannot have happened so I will pretend it hasn’t”. I haven’t cried for days, I hardly think of him as I did, I’ve got my fingers in my ears and I’m going lalalala. Perhaps it is another stage, or perhaps I’m regressing. I don’t know; I don’t like the way tentacles keep reaching up and grabbing at me.
I don’t really know why I think finishing the blanket will fix it. Perhaps I think it is a link that needs severing.
Just keep knitting… just keep knitting…