The yearly check in with grief via Still Life with Circles has become fundamental to me. I have waited for it to come around again yet now I wonder what thoughts to write. If I say “Life is good”, I feel the eyes of the boy who isn’t on my back. Imagining myself walking on, […]
See the sun again.
April has come and gone. It was hard this year. Hard because it will always be hard. Hard because it fought against the Spring and the sympathetic balm of warmth and light that is normally so familiar, so sweet, so sad, did not come. Hard because there was no fug of new baby warmth and […]
Sometimes… Always.
It's very hard to believe that three years ago I was watching my son struggle through his last night. Truth be told, it's very hard to believe at times that I had a first son, the Bene's Internet abbreviation is DS2 not DS1. That Freddie came first, even though now sometimes I look at his […]
But it was good.
It was a lovely day, despite the tears and the grief. After all the snow and rain and grey, the sun came out. You might even have believed a little boy blue sent us the clear sky and the biting brilliance of a cold spring day. Bene, wearing the shoes all his sisters have first […]
Three.
I love you, little boy. We didn't get long enough, or enough cuddles, or to get to know each other properly, but you are loved. Loved by all of us. In all sorts of ways. Sleep well little boy. Happy birthday.
So here we are.
It's April again. For the third time since Freddie's birth and death, April has hauled it's sorry self back into view. I want to love it, I do. It's his month and I want to love it but the irony is all too much. My little Good Friday boy, my little Easter boy. All this […]
You may Wonder.
I have a friend, who I have never met and who I share only a few things in common with, called Johnny Daukes. I’m not even sure how we came to be Facebook friends if I’m honest, perhaps through home educating. When Freddie died he was one of the people who checked up on me […]
Our Christmas.
Apparently I say to my friends every year that I’ve been more frugal this Christmas. And I never have been 🙂 Well, this year I wasn’t especially frugal in £’s but in present terms we went more minimalist. There weren’t really toys this year, only Josie and Bene got anything toy like at all; everyone […]
Sad
My blogging mojo is all gone, though it might be here if there was any time between housework and educating and holiday and taxi driving pantomime dancers around. And everyone else's christmas, which they remembered nearly as late as I did and so corresponding quantities of panic have been detected in those ordering from our […]
Dementors.
I had a good day today, being among friends and educating the kids, but for some reason gloom settled over me just before I left. I'm not sure where it came from, perhaps the straggly edges of a conversation I couldn't quite deal with, or perhaps the sound of carols and talk of christmas. Perhaps […]
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