My blogging mojo is all gone, though it might be here if there was any time between housework and educating and holiday and taxi driving pantomime dancers around. And everyone else's christmas, which they remembered nearly as late as I did and so corresponding quantities of panic have been detected in those ordering from our shops as in me ordering from elsewhere.
I'm not writing because I (still) don't know what to say. My festive cheer is long gone, never to return. If I am ever an old lady, I will be an old lady who kisses great grandchildren goodbye at the end of a Christmas Day and falls gasping to my knees that none of them belong to the line of my first born son. It's a long time to grieve, all stretched out ahead, with life as a distraction, a bandage but not a cure. Christmas is nothing, not religion, not joy, not hope or happy, just a string of difficulties and obstacles. A big act, a big pretend.
If I believed in god, which I do not, I'd snort in the face of something that only had to lose their son for 30 years and then call him back. Big deal. I'd give my eyes and teeth for my baby to have been born somewhere else where I could know he was alive and safe and would one day come back. It doesn't seem much of a sacrifice to me. There is no message in christmas that gives me comfort now; once it made me feel inferior, now it makes me feel angry.
Three Christmases in, I can tick some boxes. I've addressed the missing present stash by hiding all Bene's at work. It makes the space less visible. I'm buried in panto runs and distracted by sick little boys and stressed out girls. I can Christmas craft again, though in point of fact I can't, since there is no time. I'm just not thinking about it, not thinking the thoughts. I'm not seeing the missing advent sweet, or the excited little boy enjoying his first understood christmas who is, ghostlike, just behind my knee. Not seeing, not thinking.
And then, in one casual sentence, all the pretence crashes down.
And here I am again, on my knees, crying for a boy I lost for no reason I will ever understand.