I did better today. Not as in “feel happy and chirpy and like Xmas is coming” but better in a “put one foot in front of the ****ing other” sort of a way. I can do happy. I can do Christmas. My garden is not full of snow like the other parts of the country […]
Down in the valley, drumming… drumming…
I am the Grinch and I am Scrooge. I do not want Christmas cheer. I do not want the fun to start. I do not want lights or jolly men in red suits, or greenery to signify life, or newborn boys in mangers or light to wash away the dark or death. I do not […]
Seasonal hibernation
I’m not really here much, but it isn’t for any particularly good or bad reason. We’re very busy at work and I’ve been there every day this week, with the girls having days with friends, relatives and even a paid sitter one day. This works okay; I get up early and sit with them through […]
Still here, more or less
Last week we were away in Devon for a annual holiday with friends in a Youth Hostel. I’d like to say I had a great time, but I didn’t, it was just too hard, but the GIRLS had a LOVELY time and really, that’s nearly all that matters. It’s incredibly comforting to be in the […]
Missing
Dear Freddie, On the day you should be 8 months old, I am with friends, lovely kind friends. I am surrounded by children. In this place are all the children your sisters love and who would have loved you. We are here with the babies who would have been your little gang. There are conversations […]
Fotheringhay
Fotheringhay has such history. Births of princes and kings, sanctuary for a Queen fearing the country was turning against her, a home, the rally and meeting point for a family in a country torn apart by war, the prison where a Queen was held and ultimately beheaded. It probably has one of the most oddly […]
I'd mulch if only I knew how.
This Summer the girls and I dabbled with gardening again. We’d planned to anyway, I had thought it would be a good way to get us all outside in a season I expected to spend with a smallish baby and probably a lack of inclination for going very far away. The way our house is […]
On being six and grief struck
I want to talk about Josie. I want to write so much about her but the things that I have to say make me want to weep and stick in my throat and tie my fingers. She’s six now. Last week, on Bonfire Night, we had presents and a party with a couple of local […]
Trying to finish off last weeks list.
I’m not going to make it entirely, as Fran has promised a guest blog for part of it, but she’s hugely caught up in both her NaNo and now some terribly complicated spreadsheet she is designing (for a 12 year old anyway) so that might take a while. It’s too long ago to blog Halloween […]
Telepathy & Pixies
Dear Freddie, Seven months. More than half a year. Most of the time I was pregnant with you. Seven long and lonely months learning to live with the feeling of you not in my arms. I’ve spent so much of this month thinking of the link you and I shared and of all the times […]
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