In six weeks time, it should be my son’s first birthday. Whatever seconds have passed, whatever the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks and the months have been like this year, they have passed and now it is nearly Spring. It is nearly a year since that first newborn breath failed to happen, nearly […]
Ten Months
Dear Freddie, Ten months ago I was sitting by your cot, wondering in a daze how this had possibly happened, how my worst fears had come true, how you could possibly be so sick when none of the dreadful and dire things I had been warned of for 10 years and 4 births had happened. […]
Identical Laws
Apparently the same law that applies to home ed (have one very good day, you immediately get a very bad day) applies to baby grief in a similar way. So if you write a sentence like this:- “Now that, I hate saying this but I’m having to try and make it true, the worst of […]
Being a better mummy
Now that, I hate saying this but I’m having to try and make it true, the worst of the raw grieving is beginning to pass, I’m trying to keep my promise to Freddie that I would be a better mummy to the girls in remembrance of him. I love them so much and losing a […]
Rabbit Hole
My friend Leslie pointed me to this trailer for a film. I think it is the most perfect representation of grief for a child that I have ever seen. This is exactly how I feel. This is exactly my life. The expression on her face when people talk of angels, the shot of her doing […]
Graduation
I graduated from counselling today. It was my last session, my final chance to talk about all those thoughts and feelings that surround Freddie, his fleeting life and the drift of flotsam that has been left in his wake. The last time I can ponder and talk and rage and cry to someone without wondering […]
9 months & 11 days
Fly high, little boy. Second to the right and straight on till morning. I miss you with every bone in my body, every glance of my eye, every thought that passes. Be somewhere beautiful and don’t look back.
Separate
Dear Freddie, Today you should be nine months old. Today marks the day when you should have been a person in your own right for as long as you were part of me. Today you have been out for as long as you were in. Today is the day when, some say, pregnancy for a […]
The words won't come
I look back at what i wrote this time a year ago and it seems like a macabre joke. “And as for me and Max; Max says he has no regrets about leaving work and enjoys our life and his new job. I enjoy not doing it 🙂 We’re happily married again and both looking […]
Christmas 2010
There’s nothing like losing your child to make you think about the real meaning of a winter festival of light and renewal. I’m not Christian, in fact, I’m not really sure if I’m anything, but not even a year that has played out like a Victorian morality tale of fallen women and divine retribution can […]
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