I had a lot of vague but relatively grand plans for Freddie’s 10th birthday. Somewhere in my head I decided, years ago now, that this would be the point where I would have reached a serene understanding and acceptance of my little baby boy dying without ever leaving a hospital. I thought this would be […]
11 days.
It passes in a flash these days, those 11 days between a birthday trip out and these minutes, when I was holding him in my arms and watching him drift away forever. 11 nights of candles, 11 days of quietly mulling over what was happening each day and where we were in that beautiful, hellish […]
Not 6.
It really gets me every year that these were my last few happy minutes, minutes where really I’d never had anything to be utterly crushed by, ever again. It doesn’t really work like that of course. There are plenty of happy moments, not least because I learned to be grateful for Freddie in so many […]
On Infant Loss and finding joy again.
Lying in bed listening to my littlest boy breathe, feeling his soft hand against my cheek and not being afraid the next song on the radio will tear my heart out, those are the things happiness is made of these days. And that happiness reminds me of just how brutally sad it is possible to […]
Timehop reminds me. A timeline of Freddie’s life.
This time five years ago we were heading to the end. Tonight I’ll light the 2015 candles for the second to last time and from 9.15am tomorrow we will be starting the 6th year of life as a couple who lost a child. It seems impossible to believe it has been so long. It seems […]
Fifth Birthday
We had a good day. There is always a conscious group effort to be happy in his birthday, not sad. What would be the point, after all? We went back to Anglesey Anney this year. The weather had threatened to be really awful, so we didn’t make big plans and then Josie came down […]
Thoughts on carrying on.
It’s a time for introspection here and that is not one easily balanced with a more present need to keep the coffers functioning in a way that means everyone gets fed and watered. Family life has a complicated way of needing to carry on, even when you heartily wish there was no need to do […]
And again.
5 years ago today was Freddie’s due date. I’ve thought about that, rather than him, a lot today. How I could have demanded that scan harder, or listened to my doubts harder. How I could have bottled it and asked for him to come out today. 5 years ago I thought I was on the […]
Soothing Stitches: Wreath Update
I spent the weekend away in Liverpool with most of my girls which, given where we live, meant a fair bit of time on trains. I didn’t crochet as much as I intended and it was a very busy weekend but I have made progress. It needs to be finished by Wednesday night though, […]
Soothing Stitches: Spring wreath creation.
Short, sweet and late but here is a work in progress of the wreath I’m making for Freddie’s birthday this year. I feel I should be more invested in this; it’s Freddie fifth ‘should be birthday’ this week and I’m simultaneously overwhelmed with grief that is stifling me and overwhelmed by other things that […]
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