You wouldn’t know it, but this photo has all my children in it. When we first came here, all that time ago, 6 weeks after Freddie, I hunted for him. I found him here, by the stepping stones at this river. It’s the only place I’ve ever really felt him, in the swish of the […]
Just a dog.
These times are more frequent lately. Flashbacks. Returning memories. A sudden glimpse of Freddie’s face in his sleeping brothers profile. A flicker of something that was gone and which is seeping back, slinking in through back doorways left unthinkingly open. I don’t try to look back. I don’t hunt for memories. I think that if […]
Again
The 30th March, so Timehop reminded me today, was Freddie’s due date. Tomorrow is the day when I thought he was coming and curled up in bed. Perhaps I should have walked about, maybe he’d have made it then. The 1st April we sat at the table and played with Hama Beads. And then came […]
The Silent Salute #WaveOfLight
There are days when I ache to speak of Freddie with my voice, not my fingers. Days when I wish for someone to sit with me and hold me while I sift his hospital notes and my hastily copied social media comments for the snippets of his life which have fled my memory. There are […]
This bit of me.
I think I once knew these as ‘Preacher in the Pulpit’, a long time ago, when people told me the names of flowers. I think, confused, I mixed up pulpit with spit and believed they grew from the untouchable, improbable, highly suspicious cuckoo spit that foamed and flawed the weeds of our walks. Spit. Pulpit. […]
Monkey Do
He was playing on the floor at work this week, engrossed in two plastic cars off the stock shelves and a box of shredded paper. Perfect play fodder for a little boy. Cars and mess. We were both smiling at him and watching him play. Distracted, he looked up and reached for a different toy. […]
Right Where I Am: Three Years, Two Months
The yearly check in with grief via Still Life with Circles has become fundamental to me. I have waited for it to come around again yet now I wonder what thoughts to write. If I say “Life is good”, I feel the eyes of the boy who isn’t on my back. Imagining myself walking on, […]
See the sun again.
April has come and gone. It was hard this year. Hard because it will always be hard. Hard because it fought against the Spring and the sympathetic balm of warmth and light that is normally so familiar, so sweet, so sad, did not come. Hard because there was no fug of new baby warmth and […]
Three.
I love you, little boy. We didn't get long enough, or enough cuddles, or to get to know each other properly, but you are loved. Loved by all of us. In all sorts of ways. Sleep well little boy. Happy birthday.
A story.
Once upon a time there was a woman who had a garden. It was a good garden, bigger than many people could ever hope for, filled with beautiful flowers. None of the flowers were perfect, none of them were necessarily the rarest or most dazzling flowers in the world but it was hers and she […]
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