I was browsing about in the fiction section and randomly picked up a book by someone I’ve never read and read the back. “4 friends promise to always be there for each other while at college… 20 years later that promise is put to the test.” ‘Oh, oh, I thought, I see where that is […]
If there were a way to switch it off I would
Last night I dreamt about Freddie. We were a few months on and he was still in hospital and I was trying to split myself between him and the girls and working and everything else in my life and not doing a good job at all. And people kept asking me how he was doing […]
Too long since you left me
Dear Freddie, Today you should be six months old. I’ve been dreading this one but it hasn’t been as bad as it could have been. Maddy and I went shopping and yes, the place was full of little boy outfits and little boys and yes, I did look at an outfit for a six month […]
Dreams are never free
I’ve been a bit off blogging about the endless, wearying aftermath of trying to come to terms with life through a new lens. Various things caused it but the effect of it has been bad; if I don’t write it down, it washes around my head and causes me pain. In the same way my […]
Trees
When you are small, some things are forever. At my junior school, the Wednesday walks in the Arboretum were forever. At my senior school, the trees on the Quad were forever. At my Nana’s house I played under an avenue of Oak trees, gathered acorns, mulched leaves, gathered knobbly twigs to feed autumnal bonfires and […]
Our Family Tree
The “family tree” has been a watchword in our family for a long time – we lived opposite one that became christened such for a couple of years, in honour of “The Tigger Movie” and Maddy planted one a few years ago in a pot which is now a strapping sapling, waiting to be planted […]
Right back where I started
Max and I had a weekend away. Well, before that, I had a trip to the hospital – again. I got an opportunity to talk over things with a fresh pair of eyes, from long before Freddie to the here and now. What might have gone wrong, what might be wrong now. Could we have […]
Horror
A bright spring day. A handful of the kindest people. Smart clothes. Red brick, neatly tended. Flowers. A shiny black car. Silver trimmings. A tiny white coffin. A father’s arms to carry it. Flowers. Letters filled with love. Love was not enough. Music. Poetry. Flowers. A kiss on a box to say good-bye. A touch […]
More than a pair of socks
Here’s a nice picture of Freddie’s blanket. I made it big enough for him to sleep under as he grew – but he never did. But it has been such a comfort blanket – for me. I read the other day that an average pair of knitted socks has 34,000 stitches. I think this had […]
Love
This is a photo of my first cuddle with Freddie. I can pretty much count the cuddles I had with him on two hands 🙁 It was one of the most amazing moments of my life, as you can probably see from my face. The photos we have of him are mostly not terribly good, […]
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