And now, 2 years and 6 months and 2 days on, I understand why those veterans stand in solemn silence once a year. I understand the sober pride, the gentle, stony set of mouth and cheek, the simple grace of defiant, silent, remembrance. I am almost there. And if I live another 40 years, this […]
Legacies
I must admit, I thought it would stop. I thought a point would come where the anxiety would cease and the old person would take over again. The person I was who kissed better and brushed off sickness and hurts and assumed that they'd just be better next day. Two an a half years on, […]
Semantics. Conversation. Truths.
In the doctors the other day With Bene, not yet as poorly as he was today sat on the floor, an old lady asked me how many children I had. And I replied, as I always do “I have had six, he is number six”. Across the room another lady chipped in; “Six! How did […]
It's just what you do.
I happened upon a post on Glow that touched the nerve of how I felt this weekend. This bit in particular, written by Kate. “Christ, but some days I feel completely insane with the fucking rage. Then I go to sleep. Then I get up again, and shower, and scramble eggs, and try again. Because […]
In the end.
In the end, it all comes back to one simple thing. I was one person and then my world fell apart. I put it back together and it fell apart all over again when my son died. Putting it back together again, trying to pick up the reins of a life that ran away from […]
Glass Words at Glow
In the days following Freddie’s death, I was pointed to the Glow in the Woods writers and forum and a place where I would find comfort and solace and friendship among others who would understand what I was going through. I badly needed a place where the focus was not on angels or god or […]
A head filled with heavy nothing.
Oh dear. No blogging. We’ve actually been having a good time, if you count charging around like loons a good time. I could write lots of posts filled with interesting stuff. I will do. But not here. If you read my other blog (and thank you to the people who do and commented, I really […]
Coming up for air. Breastfeeding amendments.
A few days ago I admitted defeat over exclusive breast feeding. It hasn’t really worked for Bene and I all that well; he has gained weight brilliantly (he’s over 16lbs at just short of five months, which given he was 5 1/2 lbs at one point is quite impressive) and he sleeps all night which […]
The opposites of grief.
Woven inside and outside of everything that resides inside a busy family and bringing up a new baby and time passing by I’m aware, if less vocal, about some of the intangibles of grief. For so long I was racked and grazed by the contradictions of loss, of having a child but not having him, […]
Right Where I Am: 2 years, 2 months.
When I joined in with this project last year, I was tottering on the brink of utter despair. I wrote my entry on the cusp month between the end of Freddie’s time and the beginning of Ben’s time. That single month that was left before I found out I was pregnant again. It was feeling […]
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