It seems amazing, incredible, prophetic and deeply ironic that last year, on this date, I added my little egg in a basket to my blog header and announced my pregnancy. It was just Halloween then, though I was reading some books that were showing me a way of thinking of this time of year as […]
Wishing for nothing
A few days I caught myself imagining being given £1million a month for life. I realised, with horror really, that it couldn’t make me happier than I am. This is not a bad thing, because aside from tragedy, I think I actually am happy. Roughly £2K a month might take the pressure off financially, but […]
Largely wordless
In common with many of those in my dead baby mama community, a community I value but so wish I were not part of, I find myself largely wordless this month. I wonder if October just does that; the cold, the sense of death, the bleakness. Any hope of life being sustained, of a miracle […]
Oh, I hate that.
I’m not going to link, because it will just provoke something that I don’t want it to – and anyway, I agree with the sentiment of the original poster, just not really with what read as a slightly unforgiving commenter afterwards. Yet again, I’ve ended up really hurt and cross because of the “you need […]
Continuing on a theme…
We’ve possibly been having a mini-half term here – we’ll probably have one next week too, so perhaps we’re a private school 😉 Yesterday we had S and P here for the day; all the kids did some stuff round the table in the morning, some mathletics and mine did music and they played for […]
I just wanna be okay, be okay…
Actually, I hate that advert. Too many pregnant women and daddy’s nestling their babies. But I like the song. Yesterday there was a loud knock at the door, I answered and it was the lady collecting electoral roll data. Naturally this year i really haven’t got round to filling that out. (This is blatant hiding […]
Be happy at Burghley – mission not entirely impossible?
I’m supposed to be finding things every day that I’m happy or pleased about at the end of it. This isn’t easy, mainly because I don’t seem to have the energy to create much movement at all and partly because being happy, being pleased and living has a measure of guilt attached, which is hard […]
I've run out of words
There are so many I could say but really, what’s the point? I’ve never felt so helpless in all my life. There doesn’t seem to be a single place in any aspect of anything where I can force or provoke a change that would make any of it better. I can’t help my children to […]
International Baby Loss Day
Today is International Baby Loss Awareness Day At 7pm people around the world will light candles to remember babies lost in all circumstances, at any age, during pregnancy, birth or after. Jess has read a list of baby names aloud at AfterIris. I’m incredibly grateful for the special effort she made for Freddie when he […]
Oh, to wear my heart on my sleeve
Six months ago today, our little boy died. 11 days was not enough. Twice in the last few days, people have, meaning to be kind given me their condolences and said “sorry to mention it, you must not want to think about it.” But I do. I think of ‘it’, of him, all the time. […]
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