A bright spring day. A handful of the kindest people. Smart clothes. Red brick, neatly tended. Flowers. A shiny black car. Silver trimmings. A tiny white coffin. A father’s arms to carry it. Flowers. Letters filled with love. Love was not enough. Music. Poetry. Flowers. A kiss on a box to say good-bye. A touch […]
Creative every day
We’ve had a really tough week, more disappointment for us and other people I care about, difficult stuff at work and a week of the younger three girls playing SCBU and Labour Ward games with PlayMobil. They’ve been clearly testing me, checking to see how well I cope with their subject matter and it has […]
More than a pair of socks
Here’s a nice picture of Freddie’s blanket. I made it big enough for him to sleep under as he grew – but he never did. But it has been such a comfort blanket – for me. I read the other day that an average pair of knitted socks has 34,000 stitches. I think this had […]
Love
This is a photo of my first cuddle with Freddie. I can pretty much count the cuddles I had with him on two hands 🙁 It was one of the most amazing moments of my life, as you can probably see from my face. The photos we have of him are mostly not terribly good, […]
Generally Josie with Moderate Maddy
Poor Josie has woken up with Chicken Pox this morning, which is odd to say the least since it was only yesterday that, hunting back through my blog to make myself cry with what a 5 month old should be doing, I found these pictures of Amelie from after she had chicken pox (lord, don’t […]
Don't worry, I'm ok now
Things come in runs. On Tuesday, a gym mum asked me how it was going having a boy after all those girls and then today at TKD someone asked me “what did you have?” It’s beyond me to say “a boy” and not tell them he died – and not possible anyway really as the […]
After the love comes the breaking of my heart
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 5 months old. For the first time, I hardly know what to write to you. I’ve thought a lot about how this time 5 months ago we were so close and yet already so far apart. It was already too late. I think it was too late from our […]
Stories : Dreams : Grief : Friendship
I’ve cycled 300 miles since I left hospital without Freddie. I cycle the same route most days: around 3 lakes, over bridges, through gates, under trees. I listen to stories and I breathe and I keep a steady pace. Today I listened as Lyra and Will fell in love, found what it was to touch […]
Chewing wasps and spitting feathers
Well. We haven’t really done so much of either. But I quite liked it as a title 🙂 Yesterday we started our new HE regime… for however long it lasts. In an attempt to pull together some of what has worked in the past, add a little of what we enjoy and try some things […]
Perceptions
I’m seeing the hospital grief counsellor at the moment; I’m not convinced I really need to, or that it can do me any good, but it isn’t doing me any harm and she’s nice. One of the things she says to me a lot is that I’m very hard on myself and that I don’t […]
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