I’m finding it pretty hard to see the wood for the trees at the moment. I’m trading my time for money in a way that is necessary but not wildly fulfilling and not contributing anything other than 7 large tummy sustaining funds to the future. I want to build something bright and exciting and instead I’m frantically paddling to stay still, wearing myself out to keep afloat.
I’m not used to being a fish in the pond. I’m used to owning the pond. I’m better than this. I’m naturally creative and entrepreneurial and I’m having to watch that side of my slide away for short term gain.
It’s not what I want. It’s not good enough. But, as a good friend and mentor says to me frequently enough for it to become a catchphrase, ‘we are where we are’.
I’m better than this. I’m better than feeling apologetic for my existence and taking crumbs from a table. But right now, exactly now, this is where I am, running 5 kids, 2 businesses, a significant portion of a gymnastics club, running around doing courses in first aid, coaching and safeguarding and keeping things afloat.
I spend a lot of time either apologising for the impact of that or feeling I should suck it up because it’s harder elsewhere. It’s been harder here.
But I am where I am.
One thing Freddie taught me was to try, dear gods to try, to find the joy in every day. It’s been my watch word for almost 5 years. Nobody died today. Find the joy.
This morning started with an hour long school run traffic jam, an overrunning eye appointment, 31 things in my to do list (it became 37) and a pit of anxiety in my stomach.
I won’t pretend today has been whoopy do happy. But it was sunny. Sunny days are coming.
This morning meant the one but of walking I could do was through one of only 2 pretty places in my city. So I found some joy in it. And then I got my head down.