I don’t really want Christmas this year. Not in the same way that the last 4 Christmases have been their own tiny version of hell (I can’t believe this is our 5th Christmas without Freddie any more than I can believe it 3rd Christmas with Bene) but in a glum way, a dissatisfied with what it means way.
I hate the religious side of this festival and I’ve worked very hard at bringing season and renewal and thoughtfulness and gratefulness into it in the last few years. I don’t want the Christian layer, I prefer the light and dark and hunkering down to focus on family, on our core.
And it is very hard to get that when there is so much rushing. Since my grumpy post I’ve been trying very hard to find some joy. I’ve tried very hard to ignore Christmas until the last minute these last few years, sidle up to it, get through it, get on and past.
This year the present piles will be lean and unimaginative. The big girls have few wants or needs and the little girl no time to do things with anything she gets. And I can see that the frenzy of unwrapping and oh and ah will be paltry.
We need to make it family. We need to find our core again. We need to find the joy.
Today we played a board game all together, with carols in the background and sweet smelling candles and naughty treats and laughing and decorations creeping in to the edges of the room.
I didn’t think I would ever be able to do this again.
Samwise like, I am sitting and thinking of him in my joyful moments. I won’t pretend it is easy, but I am getting there. I am beginning to make it. I read Circus Queen and her tree post today and realised I needed to stop trying to be perfect – or totally happy – and just fake it till I make it. And so I am trying to do so.
I haven’t decided whether to start on the happy pills again yet. I’m trying to make time to heal myself a little first and see if I can swing it back. maybe I can. I’m not being very kind to myself at the moment and I need to do better.
Maybe I’ll make it.
Part of it is letting go enough to be amused by works of art in my normally grown up living room. I love this santa.
I’ve even been managing to make myself giggle at times.
It’s all progress.
Fake it till you make it. Then make sure you mean it.
I think perhaps Christmas will be okay this year. Fingers crossed.