We all have our baggage.
We all walk out the doors some days with a spot on our chin, feeling fat, frumpy, uninteresting and small. Our clothes fit wrong and we haven’t achieved what we want and the kids are cross and worrying us and we’ve not written the novel in our head or got the job we want.
What some (most?) of us add to that is that we think everyone else is seeing our faults too. We forget they are mostly too worried about the spot on their own chin to worry about it. Most of us don’t walk around judging people on their dress size. It’s unlikely they are doing that to us.
People who live with depression can’t see that. People who don’t live with depression don’t understand that is the baggage that gets carried around.
We all (some? most?) have our self worth issues. Maybe it is not having the right hair, or the right qualifications, or the life someone else appears to have that makes us feel less valuable in comparison.
I’ve written about depression in the past, how it creeps up and grabs me round the neck, takes away everything I think is meaningful about me and runs a constant voice in my head telling me how I’m failing, no good, not clever, not worthwhile.
You might be too busy seeing all the things you might happen to think make my life good to see that I’m drowning. I’m strangling myself. I’ve put stones in my own pockets to weigh me down but I’m still trying to swim upwards.
I have my baggage. I exist in a family where everyone but me has a degree, for example. I have a famous scientist for a mum, a journalist for a dad, a sister with a successful career, a brother with more brains, letters after his name and knowledge than I can even comprehend, a husband who is so clever and quick that I don’t even try to keep up.
What I see is that I’m the girl who worked in a shop, was too lazy to go to university, rarely gets out of my pyjamas and can’t do equations and who failed at home educating in the end and sent her children to school.
I’m reasonably sure that what they see is a person who made an active choice to not go to university, set up and ran her own business, educated her children at home until they were intelligent, able and interesting young women, survived the death of her child, has a happy and successful marriage and a life to be envied.
It’s all in the edit. The life edited from the outside is very different to the one edited from the inside. My editing suite is currently waiting to release a disaster movie. Maybe you see this summer’s feel good flick.
A few months ago I had a conversation that completely crushed me. I felt humiliated and belittled me because it keyed into all of my trigger points; it made me feel stupid and inarticulate and laughable and flattened about something I’m passionate about, knowledgeable about and see as my place in the world. It’s on those little things that the downwards spiral starts. One minute I’m feeling good about my opinions, losing weight and having life under control, being good with words and finding happiness and the next minute I’ve lost it all. One little thing is manageable, when it combines with bumping up against another person with self worth issues and when that means that suddenly a physical place I have to go to becomes intimidating and frightening, it starts a chain. I can get away with hiding at home because I can work at home. I’m an uncomfortable social animal but I do like being with people and working with them. If I disappear, it is because things are wrong.
Things went wrong a while ago because of the breast lump. I hid and during that time my confidence happened to take a direct hit. Because I was hiding and feeling low I was away from somewhere else that meant I became an outsider and now whenever I go there I feel sick with fear because I don’t know what I’m walking into. When you live with depression, most days are a bit of a fight unless you happen to be on a very secure ‘upper’. Once you are down, almost everything, even a small criticism or a small piece of office nastiness becomes a total, crushing minefield.
So here is where I am at the moment. I’ve stopped losing weight and lost my willpower and it is making me feel useless. I’ve lost the power of using words in a way that adequately articulates a sense of being and I feel stupid. My power over my words defines me and I’ve lost my vocabulary for expression. I worked hard at saving something only to find I feel ostracised and unvalued there. I felt part of a group for a few weeks and now I know I am being laughed at and spoken about behind my back, criticised and deliberately excluded. For a long time I defined myself as a business women who had done an amazing job of building something but now I have lost my niche and business times are tough and what was once my success story now feels like a failure, even though in reality it plods along perfectly well. I defined myself as a home educator and now they are at school and I’m fighting a system I don’t believe in from the inside, knowing I’m failing my children every minute they remain in it but struggling to find the energy to do more than deal with staying inside it.
All I see – EVER – is all the things I do that I ought to be doing better.
Maybe you see a person who pops to London all the time, gets free stuff from her blog, writes because she seems to think she is important, has a business, seems confident in herself and life and role as a parent. Maybe you find me a threat.
Maybe you think I’m fair game for bitching about, criticising, trying to undermine and take away my role. Maybe your baggage means you need to do that to feel good about yourself. There is always a ‘why’ to every behaviour, I know that.
So let me tell you. I’m very small, on the inside. The only place I feel safe is at home. I have nothing I feel good about right now, nothing that makes me feel worthwhile or meaningful. I feel stupid and my sense of self is very low. I’ve got issues with the fact that my words have deserted me, my business isn’t flying, my girls are struggling and most places I go socially terrify me. I’ve lost the ability to feel that I can do things or articulate my opinions. I’m feeling my lack of education in the last 20 years keenly. I’m feeling my lack of focus keenly. I’m exhausted and life hasn’t gone the way I hoped. Every day is a struggle. If you attack me or belittle me or undermine me or try to prove that I’m not useful by removing my role and my value, don’t be surprised if I slink away.
Whatever you think of me that makes me a target, I can promise you, I’m not worth shooting down.
liveotherwise says
Is someone having a go? Gah to them.
This sounds like the inside/outside comparison, but rather more eloquently put.
Hugs.
merry says
Yes, someone is having a go. But it is happening because they, I suspect, feel much like me, but they will never know I am how I am. It’s annoying, because I could just walk away, only I won’t.
Anita Cameron says
would you believe me if I said you are an intelligent and gifted woman who has done amazing things? Maybe you won’t, it doesn’t matter though because it’s who you are, and when you are feeling a little better you will remember just how amazing you really are. xxx
merry says
I wouldn’t believe you at the moment, in any other sense than I think I know that those things are true and I can’t access them. But it will pass. It was important to me to write these things today, so I know that it will pass and to stop the internal dialogue in my head with someone who will never hear because they will never believe this is who I am.
Jenny says
As always you encapsulate my own feelings better than I can even when you think you aren’t. I am in a similar place to you at the moment. All I can say is you are not alone and you are very much loved , admired and respected. Take care of yourself ..I mean that in its deepest sense. Xxx
merry says
You have my sympathy. It’s not a comfortable body to live in.
TheMadHouse says
Merry, if you want to talk you know where I am. As you know I suffer with mental health issues, I no longer shout about them, but they will never go away. You are an amazing person and Bah to the world. Tell it to go swivvel
Jo says
Merry, I know how hard that battle between inside and outside is – I fight it every day too. To me you are very admirable, strong, to be respected, impressive. So sorry you feel down at the moment. I think you need to be kinder to yourself, but then that’s what my counsellor said to me on Tuesday and I know how hard it is. I feel I am very much failing as a parent and a wife at the moment, and Tamsin says we are a rubbish family and Isabelle says we are not a ‘proper’ family, which of course is ‘all my fault’ and so what if I have a good brain and some brightness ahead in the career field if I fail at the most important things? As far as I can see you are doing fabulously in those areas and I just wish I was.
Sue says
“I’ve lost the power of using words in a way that adequately articulates a sense of being” – No. No, never that. You may lack the feeling of articulating sufficiently but your writing is still very moving. You have a tremendous power of communication. ((Hug))
softthistle says
If I were with you right now I’d do one of my patented oh-god-she-won’t-let-go-of-me hugs. Long, loving and equally as healing for myself (i’m selfish, I know). The kind you eventually have to relax into, you know? Oh babes, this is a shit time right now, and I’ll have anyone who brings you down, sweet, gentle, wonderful Merry, but remember – storms are never eternal. We just have to batten down the hatches and survive them till the sun re-appears. It always does eventually xx
springtimeliz says
Merry you always inspired me and this is a simple thank you for that. My daughter is in school now but your MuddlePuddle group and blog helped me to find my way and help her be who she is. We got some Hama beads from you too (and loved playing with them) and when I had a miscarriage it helped greatly to read your words and light a candle. I find these kinds of thoughts, when I get them myself, are a bit like f*rts – better out than in and causing discomfort. Also when you get these kind of thoughts out it helps other who are holding them in to know that although alone we’re not – so thank you. Some people don’t need letters after their name because they make people feel on a deep level – that’s what you are amazing at.
Kate says
I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. I know these feelings all too well. I’m glad you have written all this down so you can read back on it when you’re in a happier place and you know that you will be. I wish I could articulate the way you can. I’ve always, always admired how well you can, and do. You ARE more important than you think you are right now and I hope you can find some gentle, loving and accepting internal dialogue. You deserve that, in spades.
xxx.
Jenny Crossingham says
I’ve never met you, Merry. But you are one of the people I most admire. There’s rarely a week goes by when I don’t mention something you’ve written or done to my partner, Fred. I think you’re amazing! I’ve recently been really impressed with the progress you’ve made with your running 🙂
The degree thing? My psychotherapist (18 months in treatment) says that issues around not having a degree are one of the most common issues people have. I did go to university – Oxford! – and bummed around and didn’t work and got kicked out after a year. That’s not been easy to live with.
The best thing I’ve done recently? I went back to University last year, aged 45, and have just completed my first year of a Psychology degree at Goldsmiths College. It’s never too late 🙂 x
Jill says
Merry … lovely lovely Merry. I am sorry you are feeling like this. I hope writing it down has released some of the pressure. I know that I don’t “know” you but in all the places I see your words, I see a wonderful, amazing person. I am sorry that someone has pulled the wrong inside thoughts to the outside for you. For what it’s worth, my inside person feels much like yours a lot of the time too. Hugs.
SarahE says
I can’t read this aching and not respond somehow, even just to let you know that I care. I’m not that good with words, so I just want to send you hugs. Inadequate, I know. xxx
sian says
Lost the power of your words – I think not.
Merry, you are one of the most amazing people I’ve meet through this blogging thing. Unlike most, you are open, honest, un-judgemental and kind. Kindness is something lacking in lots of people but not in you. You will alway walk that extra mile.
For the record, I think you are pretty awesome. xx
Jane @ northernmum says
I think you are marvellous, one of the loveliest people I know x
Julie Walker says
Merry, first of all big virtual hugs (((((xxxxx)))). Please, please,please do not belittle yourself in any way shape or form. I know what you have worked so hard to save & why, you had the passion & ability to do that where others didn’t. They have no right to make you feel the way you are feeling, it is childish & immature. We all feel like failures in different areas of our lives, sometimes it can be one big thing or lots of little things which fester and we never seem to be able to find time to deal with. I absolutely do not believe that you have failed as a home educator because your children have now gone to school. I firmly believe that sometimes, home education is not about keeping your child out of school, but enabling & preparing them should the time come when they may want to go to school or home circumstances may change where they have to go to school. University is not the be all & end all of education, my oh was written off by his parents when he was younger & he now has two masters degrees and is just about finished his doctorate. I think education later in life is a better choice for some people. I was hopeless at school & college, because I was so immature, I think if I went back into education now I would be better prepared & hopefully succeed, where I once failed. You didn’t need to go to university to become a successful business woman.
We all make choices in our live, my oh says that we can change part of the problem, all of the problem or none of the problem. I want to be a better mother, a better partner (I’m such a rubbish partner, it’s unreal),
You are a success in many aspects of your life, that is what we see, the positive. We form an opinion about what you write, what you want us to hear, but of course we cannot feel what you are feeling.
Sorry if I’m rambling or my words are disjointed, I really do admire you & look up to you & feel that you have a lot to teach us. Stay strong ((((xxxx))))
Hannah says
Merry I could write a long list of all the ways you have inspired me and the qualities I admire in you. But I think what I really want to say is just that I love you because you are you and you are lovely. I’m sorry you are feeling this way and I know that whatever anyone says may not get through, but store it all up and I hope it helps in some way, if not right now. Sending hugs for now, and real ones at Britmums xxx
Rachael says
I love you, my dear sweet friend, and I think you are amazing. I hope that the messages here might help, a little bit, to make you see that there are lots of other people who feel the same way. xxxx
nananeenaw says
Although *you* might not think it, *I* think you are coping very well…..I know, I know, that’s what people used to say to me and I never believed them and used to get so cross because they didn’t understand. However, it’s not enough to just cope is it? Nor is it enough to know/understand that things are not as bad as they feel. I think you are very brave to blog like you do, I’m far too scared. All you have to believe is that you are going in the right direction, it’s a bumpy road and it can make you feel like giving up but when you do, you will not give up, you will find something somewhere deep down below all the strength you’ve already used. I have every faith in you. May your baggage grow wings or at least wheels.
lindsay349 says
You haven’t lost the power of your words. Nor the power to move people and change people’s lives because they feel understood and connected. More power to you. And it’s nice to know someone else lives in pyjamas too. xx
abusymum says
I have been struggling to articulate how I feel reading your words Merry. Your blog was one of the first I stumbled across when we first started to consider home ed, and I’ve been a regular reader for many years. Because of you (and others we have met on our journey) we now live in a home ed community.
I am counting my blessings tonight, and definitely count you as one of them. I don’t know you in real life,but what you write hear when you feel inarticulate is a million times clearer than what I can write on a good day. You have helped my life change-amazingly – and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
School may end up being part of our future, I don’t know, but chatting about your blog posts has been great for my eldest to be informed about what school could be like, from a home edders perspective.
There isn’t a vaccine or cure ( that I know of!) For depression, but the person who finds one will help so many when they do find it.
I hope your dark days pass quickly and you find brightness soon.
Nic says
As someone who has known you before, during and after and will continue to be in your life no matter what I will merely remind you that if you have all of us then you don’t need them. And for times when you feel you don’t even have yourself then we are there to carry you along too xxx
Nikki Scott says
Merry, sending you so much love xx
Frogmum (TenMinutesFromHome) says
I don’t suffer Depression, so I cannot say I ’empathise’ because that would be wrong.
However, Depression runs thick in my family. I grew up with a mother who, though she didn’t realise it at the time, was severely depressed following her divorce; I watched my Aunty fight Depression for many years – it nearly killed her in her 20’s; my Nan suffers Depression too (all her life), but describes it as ‘nerves’. I understand (as an outsider) how debilitating and isolating Depression is.
I can say I have brief episodes of depression (you should see my unpublished post from just last week), and when they come they frighten me because they are suffocating and feel inescapable. I am just so thankful I have a husband who sees me and somehow knows what it takes to flick my switch (remove the weights from my pockets) better than I do!
All I can say, and hope you hear it, is that you have been, and still are, an inspiration to sooo many of us & we love you! ~ and send some hugs your way!
Laughing Owl says
I have always found you nothing but an inspiration x