And then Tuesday came and with it, the end of a way of life and the end of a blog life.
Josie going off to school too is not what I wanted, though I felt the opportunity had to be offered when Maddy’s place came up – and she took it. So off she went. She’s temporarily flexing schooling to settle in and we shall see. So far her days have been good (with wobbles) but she’s emotional about it in the evening. It’s certainly a tougher first two days than the others have had, though that’s to be expected. That’s the short version, just for now I’m going to respect her privacy and say no more.
Because really, I can just make it all about me 🙂 This is how I feel at the end (perhaps) of our home educating life.
A mixture of emotions.
Relief, that the pressure, the responsibility, is finally off.
Sad that it is over. Pleased that they have opportunities in places I am happy for them to be attending. We’ve got school place bingo lucky and I’m grateful for that.
Missing them. A little confused about what I am now? Just a mum. Not as “goodness I don’t know how you manage” as I was.
When Fran first went I was unforgivably angry with her. I’m not this time, not with any of them. I think the big three have made the right choices at the right time and for good reasons and I genuinely support them wholeheartedly and intend for this to work for them. With Josie, I can’t blame for her wanting to go, for company in the face of them all leaving home and because I have underperformed in the home ed department for her.
That’s the nub of it. I look back now at all that time stretched behind us, those little girls who grew up – and I feel I wasted it. There are books unread, crafts undone, places unvisited. First the business, then a trauma and then a tragedy and somehow I ended up being an adequate home educator, but not the one I meant to be.
I meant to do so much more. More baking, more hands on maths, more classic stories at bed time. More crafting and teaching patchwork and having education just roll off our fingertips. I meant to be more dynamic.
I ended up being adequate. Age, aptitude and ability well served but not quite what I planned.
I look back and while, clearly, I have 4 wonderful and talented and able girls, I worry that I served up a poorer meal than I meant to. They have done well in spite of more than because of.
I feel I wasted our time together. They’ve voted with their feet now, not out of disappointment (I think they’d be sorry if they thought I felt it was that) but out of readiness, but I wish I had had more to offer in the end.
It all got so hard.
It’s a sort of grief, this end of home ed. It’s a fairly small grief compared to what we’ve been through but it is an end and I miss them, even if secretly I am just a little relieved to be able to be… just.a.mum.