And then Tuesday came and with it, the end of a way of life and the end of a blog life.
Perhaps that’s a little dramatic. But it does all feel a little dramatic, though I am trying hard not to BE dramatic about it. You can forgive me a momentary blog flounce perhaps 😉
Josie going off to school too is not what I wanted, though I felt the opportunity had to be offered when Maddy’s place came up – and she took it. So off she went. She’s temporarily flexing schooling to settle in and we shall see. So far her days have been good (with wobbles) but she’s emotional about it in the evening. It’s certainly a tougher first two days than the others have had, though that’s to be expected. That’s the short version, just for now I’m going to respect her privacy and say no more.
***
Because really, I can just make it all about me 🙂 This is how I feel at the end (perhaps) of our home educating life.
A mixture of emotions.
Relief, that the pressure, the responsibility, is finally off.
Sad that it is over. Pleased that they have opportunities in places I am happy for them to be attending. We’ve got school place bingo lucky and I’m grateful for that.
Missing them. A little confused about what I am now? Just a mum. Not as “goodness I don’t know how you manage” as I was.
When Fran first went I was unforgivably angry with her. I’m not this time, not with any of them. I think the big three have made the right choices at the right time and for good reasons and I genuinely support them wholeheartedly and intend for this to work for them. With Josie, I can’t blame for her wanting to go, for company in the face of them all leaving home and because I have underperformed in the home ed department for her.
That’s the nub of it. I look back now at all that time stretched behind us, those little girls who grew up – and I feel I wasted it. There are books unread, crafts undone, places unvisited. First the business, then a trauma and then a tragedy and somehow I ended up being an adequate home educator, but not the one I meant to be.
I meant to do so much more. More baking, more hands on maths, more classic stories at bed time. More crafting and teaching patchwork and having education just roll off our fingertips. I meant to be more dynamic.
I ended up being adequate. Age, aptitude and ability well served but not quite what I planned.
I look back and while, clearly, I have 4 wonderful and talented and able girls, I worry that I served up a poorer meal than I meant to. They have done well in spite of more than because of.
I feel I wasted our time together. They’ve voted with their feet now, not out of disappointment (I think they’d be sorry if they thought I felt it was that) but out of readiness, but I wish I had had more to offer in the end.
It all got so hard.
It’s a sort of grief, this end of home ed. It’s a fairly small grief compared to what we’ve been through but it is an end and I miss them, even if secretly I am just a little relieved to be able to be… just.a.mum.
I can relate to how you feel in a way. My youngest started school in Sept. I have been childminding for just over 3 years. She’d always been at home with me. I often feel guilty that I am doing so much with other people’s children and not my own. I look at what I do with my mindees and often feel I could have done more with my own children when they were at home. DOn’t get me wrong, we went loads of places and were always busy but I didn’t do all the nessy, hands on crafty type things that I do now.
oh golly gosh 🙁
((((HUGS))))
Oh Merry, you sweet thing. I think every parent feels those same regrets. For mine, the death of my father and then my divorce brought a change in me as a mother and I’ve never really come back from that. That’s seven years ago, and I look back at the crafting, story-reading, hands on trying-to-be-super-mama that I was and wish I could go back and carry on. Now I work full time (from home, admittedly) but today was a particularly busy day and they saw me for a tiny amount of time. I carry around a huge burden of guilt. I think it’s just being a parent. I happen to think you are fantastic and I suspect that your four schoolgirls do too. Much love. x
I never thought of it as the end of home-ed when my two chose to go to school, because I always tell them that any time they change their mind, that will be OK. Whilst I am now 100% confident that they won’t come back to home-ed, since one is in the Lower Sixth and the other in Year 9 and they are both thriving, I think that they both were glad that they could go and try and that this wasn’t a one-way ticket. My journey is very different from yours, and it continues, as yours does, to have its moments, but I am glad that we did what we did. I have guilt too about the hours I spent on Usborne back then, but I spend hours on other things now – gymnastics, church, school governing – and I think that it has helped to promote their growing independence. I am eternally grateful for the time that they have spent with their father, and the relationship that home-ed allowed them to have with him, bearing in mind his age [75 now] and health problems.
I cried when they went to school, though, and felt the loss of them during the days, and I love school holidays!
Oh, I can relate whole-heartedly. Two of my children went back to school last year, and they are loving it. My eldest is still home, and there is so much I *want* to do, but so much I really *can’t* do in so many ways, being pregnant and without much energy to do more than the bare minimum.
I miss having all of them at home, and I think they get along better when they are around each other more. But I can’t live their lives for them, and in the end, if I am to be true to my children at all, I have to let them make their choices in this regard.
I believe that home educating my children has made me a better mum, and has helped me to tune into them so much more.
May your new adventures be full of love and laughter!
hugs for how you feel merry x x x
Merry… I’m sure I’m not the only home-edder who feels you (yes, *you*) launched our home ed ship. Finding Muddlepuddle when Tom was but a babe made it all seem possible and ‘real’. Home Ed became something we could *do* not just something we liked the idea of in an abstract way. Thank you for being a pioneer and sharing your experience and your knowledge all along the way, through all the hard times. Enjoy your schoolgirls and know that you gave them just what they needed to become who they are. Very clumsy hugs. Anj xxxx (and besides, just think how much knitting time you’ll have now 😉 )
I think it’s a testament to what you have done for and with them that they feel able to and confident enough to go x
I never read a blog in my life till I was researching home ed in 2009. You (and others, but mainly you) gave me the confidence to do it and I am so grateful. That is why I started my blog too, so that I could do for other people what you did for me. Thank you. And hugs xxxxx
The End? Surely not 🙂 Firstly, home-ed is a way of thinking unrestricted by terms and ages so you’ll all always have that in the background. Secondly, how can this be The End when Bene still has all his so-called ‘compulsory’ years before him? You’re signed up, actually or theoretically, until c. 2017!
Er – sums fail – make that 2027 !!
Ah reading your post is sad, but makes me feel like I am not the only one. I stopped home educating because my best friend died and her children (in my care) were schooled. My own grief and that of the children (hers and mine) was overwheming and it was quickly obvious that mine would have to go into school not hers, out. I miss it every day and wish I had done more when I was home ed-ing too. I hate the life school brings us, but I am trying to learn to be the best school mom I can be. I only learned your story today, though our timelines are similar I had stopped reading your blog when she died. You influenced me as a home-ed-er and I am back onboard your blog for the next adventure 🙂