This is the thing about pregnancy after losing a baby.
Some moments it’s fine. Other millennia it’s just a bit tricky.
Rainbow babies, just like other babies, don’t do constant reassuring cartwheels, beating morse code of “I am alive, I will live, I will cry and breathe and open my eyes for you.”
I just never noticed the quiet times with the others.
Just like the others, this one sleeps for a long time. I can’t make it move, make it kick or make it respond. Not a single thump or wriggle or squirm. Sometimes lying in my side won’t rouse it, even though it often does. Trying to do other things doesn’t work, pretending I’m not pregnant doesn’t work. Nothing works.
And when nothing will make it wriggle, rational is hard.
My brain doesn’t let me starting thinking ‘dead’ but the effort of not thinking it renders all other thoughts impossible.
I just need a kick, so I know it’s okay.
Then, finally, thump. Thump. Thump.
And I think….
“Sh*t. Hiccups. Is that a sign of brain damage?”
Gosh I wish pal wasn’t so bloody hard. x
I’m doing better than I thought I might, but it’s very much a “I will hold it together” process :/
Awful. I was paranoid like this with number 3 and hadn’t even experienced personal loss. Can’t imagine how many times worse it is for you 🙁 Being rational is hard and we become impossible to please. No movement, lots of movement… Thinking of you and wishing you just enough kicks
🙂
Catie hiccupped all the time.
Yeah – and so did Fran and probably the other three girls too. But so did Freddie, dreadfully, and in retrospect always after a frantic movement session (maybe a fit?) and before a huge long sleep. A pattern he continued after birth.
And of course now I know it can… can….. be a sign of problems.
And I’ll never know. And rational and sensible is a hard, very hard, position to maintain 🙁
Oh god, the hiccups. They always tortured me as well. I had read they were a “sign of distress”. Hope always had the bloody hiccups. Sigh. It is all so hard and I’m thinking of you so much. I still can’t believe I’ve done it twice *since*.
xo
It’s fairly miserable. Even knowing I have had living breathing hiccuppy babies, I’m not liking it much.
Out of curiosity, was it ANY easier second time?
Yes and no, Merry. On the whole, yes. But the first half of Juliet’s pregnancy was terrible as I had a huge scare with a virus I had that could have had disastrous implications for the pregnancy and I didn’t get the all clear until an amnio at 21 weeks. So after that, yes it was marginally better, but really only a little bit. I still think I’m pretty traumatised by the whole ordeal and I’m not sure I have it in me to do it again, despite the fact I would like a third (living) child. At least with her pregnancy, I knew I could do it. I had at least done it once before. And Angus kept me busy and on my toes and often was able to distract me from the fear. With his pregnancy it was just wall to wall, 24/7 fear.
Love to you.
xo
I remember. I had a friend lost a child to CMV & it was a query over Freddie, though it came back negative. I’ve done/doing 4 pregnancies knowing I wasn’t immune to it, having been exposed to it when J lost her little boy – it’s a very scary thing. Something so small and subtle, with such massive consequences.
Oh poppet,
Massive hugs as always
You will be ok I plan on giving that hiccuping baby a cuddle in the future.
Much love x